Arknights | Hand in Unlovable Hand, Chapter 22

[veryroundbird]

Rating: Spicy
Chapter: 22/28
Characters: Doctor (F), Kal'tsit, Amiya, various others
Relationships: Doctor/Kal'tsit, Kal'tsit/Theresa, Theresa/Doctor
Summary: Dr. Lau returns to Rhodes Island a stranger in a strange land, in a labyrinth of things that feel like they should be familiar but aren't—and at the center is Dr. Kal'tsit and all the things she's not saying. Even if amnesia's changed her, though, the Doctor wouldn't be the Doctor if she didn't have an impulse to solve for the missing variable.
Notes: while this fic is marked as "spicy" the only actual sexual content is in chapters 8, 9, 17, 23 and 27, and there's cliff notes for the scenes at the bottom of the chapter. sexual content is noted in the start of chapters where it appears.

---

You follow closely at Kal'tsit's heels, having to jog to keep up, even though your stride is longer;¹ her boots click rapidly across the concrete. Why you ended up with her, rather than with Amiya and Rosmontis—well, you have your doubts.

You feel at least a little useful on a battlefield, and as a reassurance to Amiya. In here, though—surely she doesn't need your help. Even if you have gotten a little rapport back, somehow—

"Our decapitation strike team will be attacked by Reunion from all directions as they approach the control tower. I can't just drop you off in a battlefield like that," she says, by way of explanation,² and you pull a face.

"When we were fighting the guerrillas, we could retreat and buy ourselves time to regroup. That won't be possible for their team. They won't even have an opening to catch their breaths." Her stride falters just slightly, a momentary slowing of her pace—but then she shakes her head, and goes on.³ "This battle has a clear objective, and Amiya and Rosmontis's team can no longer afford any distractions.⁴ You'll be safe with me."

For a moment, there's a flutter of an absurd feeling—you want her arms around you, you want her to hold you.⁵ You can't ask this—ever, but especially not right now.

Your eyes linger on her—gaze sliding away to catch the eerie sodium light on her hair.⁶ The corner of your mouth twitches. "I don't feel safe around you at all," you murmur.

Her head jerks toward you for a moment⁷—but only just for a moment, her eyes staying fixed forward. "We should only take on responsibilities that we can fulfill," she says, heels of her boots clicking along down the hall. "After entering the sarcophagus, our communications will only further deteriorate.⁸ At that time, we will truly be fighting al—"

She stops abruptly, ears flicking, and frowns—glancing around like sensing a threat. "Wait—hm." You're proven wrong that she can't frown any deeper. Rather than look at you, she waves you back with one hand, eyes fixed slightly upward.⁹ "Dr. Lau. Please stay hidden for a while."

This time it's your turn to frown. "Wh—why?"

"If you don't want to, or if you're feeling claustrophobic, I won't stop you," she says, arching an eyebrow—which you know not to argue with.¹⁰ You raise your hands in mock-surrender, and duck back to crouch behind a stack of dilapidated boxes, knees tucked against your chest.¹¹

For a moment, if you close your eyes, you can pretend all is calm. For a moment, all really is calm.

And then with an explosive crumbling of plaster, the ceiling buckles in, and there's a thunk as something—no, someone—falls to the floor, hacking a cough through clouds of dust.

"Where am I? How'd I blast my way down here—is this—"

The voice is—familiar, and...

...oh, hell. It's that Sarkaz mercenary woman from Chernobog and the outskirts of Lungmen.¹² You brace yourself—you know Kal'tsit can handle herself, so you have to be ready, probably to run. Except—

"...What an unexpected reunion, Kal'tsit," she goes on, and internally you groan. Of course Kal'tsit knows everyone.¹³ Somehow.

There's a pause, a gentle rustling of fabric; you can hear Kal'tsit click her tongue in concerned way. "...You're gravely wounded." You can hear a quiet metal snap, like she's getting something out of a pocket—maybe gauze or ointment.¹⁴ "What do you go by now, W?"

There's a swish of nylon on nylon that sounds approximately like a shrug. "Still W. Didn't have time to change it yet." Footsteps, hard boots on the tile, and then a pause.

"Hold up," you hear W say. "Why are you casually milling around a place like this? Don't tell me..."

There's an audible sigh. "The old man's gone, huh?"

Kal'tsit's voice is solemn. "Yes."

W makes an irritated noise. "He died? How is that possible?¹⁵ But..." A light sigh, and then another shrug. "Then again, he wasn't going to survive this. He never backs down, and never lets anyone through."¹⁶

You can hear Kal'tsit shift on her feet, slightly. "You sound a bit heartbroken."

"Guess so." A light hum, and the scuff of W's boot against the floor. She sounds almost wistful. "That old fella was the only person who made me even give Reunion a second look, y'know.¹⁷ Guess that goes to show what ideals are good for, if today really was that idealist's last."

This is—ridiculous. This is ridiculous, after all that you've seen today. You're at your wits end hearing her prattle on about what she thinks of ideals,¹⁸ and is she even—

"—serious about that?" you hear someone say, and then realize that the words, in fact, came out of your mouth, and that you've toppled slightly frontways out from behind the boxes.

You look at W.

W looks at you, and—

—well, looks more surprised than you for a split moment¹⁹ before snapping into a cool expression and turning to Kal'tsit.

"Kal'tsit," she says, folding her arms across her chest, eyebrows raised.²⁰ "Story time."

Of course, Kal'tsit doesn't even change her posture, like W just commented on the weather. "Do I have something to tell you?" she says, calmly.

"You're asking me? You kidding? How do you have the nerve to stand there all calm like nothing ever happened—"

She's talking to Kal'tsit—but her eyes are still fixed on you with... hatred? Loathing?²¹ "Kal'tsit," she says, "you're working with Dr. Lau? You? Working together with Dr. Lau?"²²

"Is there a problem, W?" says Kal'tsit, which is honestly nicer of her than you expected.²³

W shrugs, seemingly nonchalant.²⁴ "Of course, assuming you're not like this bastard here pretending you don't remember anything. But if that's true, guess it doesn't matter."

She throws her head back in exaggerated petulance. "Otherwise, your brain cells got fried by one of your weird experiments. Shit, either I'm the crazy one, or you are. But even if I am crazy, that doesn't make you any less of a loon."

"You're still clear-headed, W," says Kal'tsit, shaking her head, and you think you see her roll her eyes a little.²⁵ "Let's save the small talk for some other time—"

W takes a half-step closer, with a heavy stomp. "Don't wanna." When she grins at Kal'tsit, there's no mirth in it. "What even happened? Just looking at you makes me want to puke. But even if I'm trying not to throw up—"

She scoffs. "This is just too funny. Kal'tsit, you finally went bonkers too. Trying to tame the evil spirit of Babel?"

"Please tell me no one actually called me that—"²⁶

"Can't prove there are any memories left in this one's head—" You try to reflect one of Kal'tsit's deadeyed stares back to her, because, really?²⁷ "We're just working together for the time being."

"This so-called amnesia..." W snorts. "How are you so sure that it's not all an elaborate act?²⁸ It might have everyone fooled. Yes, everyone. If you believe it, you're fooled too, whether or not you want to admit it... That's the scorecard I got."

She goes on, despite getting an eyebrow raise from Kal'tsit. "Kal'tsit, you're a monster, aren't you? A monster so smart you got a big, bright, glowy brain.²⁹ And a monster should know better than me what happens when you have another monster around."

Kal'tsit gives a brief, exasperated exhale. "There are too many creatures in this world that can be called 'monsters,'"³⁰ she says, in the tone of a lecturer rapidly losing the last of her patience with a poor student. "Throw the word around too much and it'll end up losing all meaning."

"Or, you've just gone mad," says W, waving a hand dismissively. "That's a whole different matter."

"Hey—" You raise your voice enough that both of them look at you, and you jab your forefinger at W, because—honestly, she might blow you up, but you've had it up to here with people talking around you about you. "What exactly do you know, anyway—"

"There's no place for you to cut in here, friend," says W, shooting a glare at you like daggers, and then buffs her nails lightly against her jacket.³¹ "When I finish with her—" she jerks a thumb skywards, "it'll be time for the two of us to have a nice, long chat."

A shrug. "I guess there's no point taking things out on you. Either you have amnesia, or you're just pretending to have amnesia..." W jerks a thumb at Kal'tsit. "But this woman next to you is totally out of her mind. I want to know—"

She steps forward slightly, heel to toe, as if to circle the two of you. "Back then, there was only one person who entered the Speaker's Office and knew Theresa's whereabouts.³² Kal'tsit, you know what that means, don't you?"

There's just a brief pause, as Kal'tsit closes her eyes, turning her head down slightly to let out a held breath. Her hands curl and uncurl at her sides.³³

"...Of course," she says, finally. "I know it better than you do."

"Those were your words!" W spits out, slashing outward with her hand. "So what's the deal? What are you doing—"

She glances at you again, eyes narrowed,³⁴ and then back to Kal'tsit. "Oh, I get it. You're trying to make another exchange.³⁵ Tit-for-tat. But it's Theresa on the other end!"

Your eyes flick sideways to Kal'tsit, whose chin jerks up abruptly, if fractionally. Her mouth thins into a tight line, and she raises an eyebrow, clamping down on emotion like a steel trap.³⁶ "Those who don't know the truth shouldn't let conjecture affect their emotions, W."

"Hah." W taps the side of her head. "I have just a single conjecture: You aren't human. Like I said before, if you'll bargain Theresa's death with a murderer... you're just a monster."³⁷ She folds her arms across her chest. "I need to know the truth. And before I do, that thing next to you is a murderer; and I'll never show mercy to a murderer."

You must have looked like you were about to say something, jaw working furiously, since it sure takes balls on her account to talk about no mercy for murderers—because Kal'tsit puts a hand very carefully on your upper arm, like—not now.³⁸

W gives a short bark of laughter. "Hah! I get it now. You're bursting with motherly love, huh."

Kal'tsit looks for a long moment like she's not even dignifying W with a response on that one,³⁹ and then makes a quiet tsk sound. "W, you said before... 'We're the same type of person.'"

W clicks her tongue. "I don't know where you heard that before, you should pretend you never did. You and I are not the same type of creature at all."

"No, W. We are, to some extent," she says, firm. "For example—you also want to put an end to Talulah's atrocities, correct?"

There's a pause—and then W snorts, shaking her head a little, looking back up the way she came. "That's true," she says. "She's really pissed me off. I need to get my mercs back from her. That piece of shit only knows how to squander her people.⁴⁰ Such a spendthrift. I'm worried she'll blow all our savings and leave me penniless."

"Right," says Kal'tsit, briskly. "So let's deal with the Reunion problem first."

"Sure! Sure, I got my targets. Wanna hear?" W laughs, a raucous sound that even bites through how oppressively un-acoustic the space down here is. She jerks a thumb at the ceiling. "First is Talulah, that disgusting dragon lady upstairs. Then next is Theresis,⁴¹ the one that makes you want to sneeze as soon as you see him."

"Those are some long-term plans," says Kal'tsit, in the dangerously blithe, vague way she seems to use to respond to statements that she agrees with.⁴²

W grins even wider. "And after that, the third I thing I want to kill is standing right next to you."

You raise your hands above your shoulders, in ironic celebration of the honor.⁴³ Kal'tsit raises an eyebrow, and looks at you sideways. "You're only third on the list?"

You mirror her expression,⁴⁴ and inject an exaggerated amount of disappointment into your voice. "I'm only in third place?"

W looks between both of you, still smiling, but it doesn't reach her eyes. "Hah. That's because I have something to ask you first, Dr. Lau. I got some some long, thorough explanations to pull out of you..."

When she takes another step toward you, though—Kal'tsit very firmly puts herself between her and you, with a half-step.⁴⁵ "At this stage, we have a common goal," she says, sternly. "By the way, because of what you did to our employees in Chernobog..."

She gestures expansively in a way that just happens to bar W's path to you.⁴⁶ "First, thanks for saving the lives of Dr. Lau and the rescue team with your... deal," Kal'tsit says, drily. "Your 'deal' cost us thirteen of our operators. So balancing these two things, I'm willing to give you a lift, for old time's sake. I'll take you to the command tower."

You look at her sharply. That's a pretty sizable detour... wait.⁴⁷ Ah.

W studies her for a moment, and then looks at her arm, and back to her face. And then, she shakes her head, with a snort. "Kal'tsit... You really know how to gross a girl out. I've always found you disgusting. I'll have to rearrange your face a little first, see which one of us comes out on top—"

Kal'tsit doesn't even blink. "Mon3tr."

There's a shuddering, inhuman scream, and a flash of black past your vision, and before you can even register what happened W crashes through the remains of the wall, pitched as easily as if she were a ragdoll. "Bitch!"

"I don't have time to play with her," Kal'tsit says aloud, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Mon3tr, blast through the ventilation pipes, the walls, and the base's outer and middle protective layers along with her."⁴⁸

Even with her muffled by debris, you're pretty sure you're learning some exciting new Sarkaz expletives today. "I swear I'm giving you a slow and painful d—"

Her voice voice fades, and so does the crashing, as Mon3tr carries her farther and farther away, through layers of plaster and metal and stone. "I'm looking forward to it," says Kal'tsit, so mildly it wraps around to knife-edged.⁴⁹

You shove your hands in your pockets, and roll your shoulders slightly. "I'm surprised you let her finish her first sentence."⁵⁰

She glances back at you. "Not like you can understand it."

"Hmph." You let out a sharp huff of a sigh. "Why don't you explain it to me, then?"

Instead of looking back at you again, she just starts walking on—her first steps hesitant, and then falling into a rhythm. "It's not time yet," she says. "When you see for yourself, you'll understand.⁵¹ Or you should. After all—"

She shakes her head, and for a moment, you think she's just going to leave it at that. But then she goes on, quietly enough you aren't sure you imagined it or not, at first.

"Secrets are like wellsprings. Sometimes they flow out, whether you want them to or not."

[1] You'd resolve to hit the gym more consistently when you get back but all you can think about is wanting to lie face down for a whole week while screaming into your pillow.

[2] Like she guessed what you were thinking. Then again, it's a pretty obvious question.

[3] Worry...? You think so. For Amiya, for Rosmontis, for the mission, or all of the above?

[4] By which she means you'd just be a liability out there and you're being babysat.

[5] It makes you feel a little pathetic in this moment. With everything going on, you want to stop for a hug?

[6] It gives it an eerie, almost supernatural glow that's almost unsettling to look at amid all the blocky, utilitarian architecture. Maybe it's also just that you're fixated and gay, though.

[7] A gentle swish, hair just gently brushing her shoulders; just the slightest glimpse of her expression, mouth opening as if to say something and then thinking better of it.

[8] For the moment, it's just the two of you—the rest of the team's heading in from the other direction, before heading further into the core of the city.

[9] No—now that you're paying attention, there's definitely... some sound. Faint.

[10] Both because she means business and because she's always right, damn her.

[11] Honestly apart from the imminent danger you could take a nice nap right now, just like this.

[12] The one who never acknowledges you, but always feels like she's paying way more attention to you than you're comfortable with, considering how many explosives she seems to carry.

[13] Next thing you know it'll turn out that actually she and Talulah were formerly tennis partners.

[14] It's not that your hearing is sharper than anyone else's, but somehow all sounds feel like they're magnified four or five times over. You can feel your heartbeat thudding in your ears under all of it.

[15] She sounds flabbergasted, more than anything else.

[16] It's a strangely admiring tone, all things considered.

[17] Someone like her really cares about that kind of thing? Even for you, good at reading others' intentions—you find it hard to believe.

[18] Maybe what makes you angry, really, is—even with his blood on your hands, you hope those ideals counted for something, somewhere.

[19] Looking something so benign as baffled looks entirely at odds with her features.

[20] Honestly, she could rival Kal'tsit as far as amount of displeasure communicated in one glance.

[21] Both, you're pretty sure. Though—there's something else there, under all of that. Something you've become far too familiar with, over the last forty-eight hours or so.
But more importantly—she knows you. Knew you? You weren't sure before, but—it's not just a professional disdain. This is personal for her, whatever anger she has for you.

[22] It doesn't take you being a genius in reading intent to know that her tone implies very heavily that she'd like to rip out your innards and strangle you with them.

[23] You kind of expected her to go either "yeah, that was a stupid idea, no more of that" or possibly "deeply unfortunate, but we can't all be winners."

[24] She's legitimately hard to read, in a way that makes her dangerous—you're sure she's worked at it. Even if she comes off as volatile, there's a deliberateness to everything she does that's anything but.

[25] It's a little bit startling, because Kal'tsit so rarely expresses exasperation at anyone other than you—at least not that you've seen. Maybe the day's worn on her more than you thought.

[26] Everyone ignores you, which is probably for the best, because do you really want an answer to that?

[27] "Can't prove"—like, you'd hope you'd be a little less of an absolute trainwreck if you were able to remember things, for one thing?

[28] Honestly you're pretty sure that even before you lost your memory you would have been at best a shit actor. Maybe an air of inscrutability, but definitely not acting. You couldn't be anyone else if you tried and hot damn have you tried.

[29] You frown, and glance at Kal'tsit; she doesn't seem bothered by it, though.

[30] ...the fact that she doesn't simply say "no" gives you a moment of pause. You're not sure what you're pausing for, and that's... a little unsettling.
In a way, though—in a way, she's defending you too, isn't she?

[31] Bright red nail polish—fresh coat, must have been done this morning, although now it's been severely chipped. A little surprising.

[32] Ah—
Ah.

[33] You watch the motion, a coil of dread unfurling in your chest. It'd be so easy to think, oh, W doesn't actually know anything, but—that's all the confirmation you need.

[34] You give her a little shrug, like, you think this woman ever tells me what she's up to? Absolutely not.

[35] Another exchange? Then—what was the first one?

[36] Some others might think that means she was able to calm herself down, but—you're pretty sure that means it really got to her. Even without the shreds of context you have.

[37] If anything, you'd expected whatever dislike she had for you to be... some prior conflict, fought on opposite sides. The way she says it—she was on your side, at least for a time.
There's so few people who are still around to remember who you used to be. You wonder, in a way, if you've been getting off easy because of it.

[38] Normally you'd have a moment over it, but even though there's no harshness in the gestures, but—some part of you recoils, for a reason you can't quite untangle.

[39] You're not sure if that was a joke about her tendency to take in strays or the fact that she's leading you around by the baby leash right now but part of you indignantly wants to cut in that you're the one who looks older.

[40] You can feel a slight wince come to your face, unbidden; you think of FrostNova and the Yetis. You can't disagree.

[41] That's... a name you don't know, but the part of you that isn't busy losing your shit makes a note to try and look that one up later.

[42] Additional note: that's not a disapproving tone from Kal'tsit, at going after whoever Theresis is. Of course, this probably means that she will definitely not tell you anything about him, so you'll have to go digging stealthily.

[43] Like, fuck, yeah, sure! One more person who wants to kill you! Why not!

[44] She actually does have a sense of humor buried under there, and you're not sure how else to deal with it except by just rolling with that.

[45] You're halfway surprised. Sure, she's a professional, but...

[46] It's calculated, like everything else she does. You can never entirely tell what her opinion of you is—apart from complicated—and part of you

[47] Oh she really has a sense of humor, in fact, and it's vicious.

[48] Well. That's one way to deliver her. At least you don't make Kal'tsit that specific kind of annoyed.

[49] You think you see the faintest hint of a smile on her lips. Absolutely devastating. Horrible. Unfair.

[50] Really dropping the ball on preventing you from learning anything about the past, there.

[51] Will you, really? Some days (every day) it feels like you were given a jigsaw puzzle with way more pieces than it said there were on the box.

---

You walk on in silence, theoretically walking "together" only by happenstance of proximity rather than any kind of atmosphere of solidarity. Kal'tsit's very careful to stay just far enough ahead of you that she's out of reach;⁵² the pace she takes makes it hard for you to talk, anyway, out-of-shape as you are.

What W said about Theresa—

Well. You could tell you were being blamed for it, one way or another, but the way she talked about it—

—the way she talked about it, you killed the woman you both loved⁵³ with your own hands. You're not stupid; you can read between the lines. You just don't know why.

You have to... you have to put this aside. You have to, or you're not going to be able to see this through properly, but your head buzzes in a way that makes you feel nauseous.⁵⁴ Your chest feels tight. You have to—

"...Dr. Lau."

Ah—you hadn't even noticed that you'd stopped, or that Kal'tsit turned around for you. She raises slightly on the balls of her feet to brush your hood back, and for a moment your heart jumps in your chest with wild and impossible expectation before you realize that she's just checking you for head damage,⁵⁵ reaching out to grip your chin.

You flinch, and jerk your head backwards, scrubbing a hand over your face. "I'm fine, K—Dr. Kal'tsit."

She fixes you with a hard look. "Dr. Lau—"

"You don't have to concern yourself," you say, not meeting her eyes,⁵⁶ and stepping around her to walk on. "I'll make sure you don't have to worry on my account."

Behind you, she makes a sound like she intends to say something further—but then there's quiet, and then behind you, the dull click, click of her boots on the tile resumes.

[52] You know her well enough to know that it's an intentional distance; she's holding herself in.

[53] If you think about it—the woman all three of you loved, you, Kal'tsit, and W. Assuming your memory serves right—well, it's not hard to see how that would happen. She was very... easy to love.

[54] Now that you can't fall back on being slightly wiseass everything starts to feel like it's closing in around you.

[55] Again. For once you haven't managed to get hit in the head with anything, at least. You're just an idiot naturally.

[56] It's uncomfortably easy to focus on just what's ahead, on the darkness of the hallway in front of you, on the goal—to keep your gaze off of her, who you suddenly cannot bear to look at. Sometimes you don't understand the person you used to be, but sometimes—you can see how you used to be that person. You don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.