Arknights | Hand in Unlovable Hand, Chapter 18

[veryroundbird]

Rating: Spicy
Chapter: 18/28
Characters: Doctor (F), Kal'tsit, Amiya, various others
Relationships: Doctor/Kal'tsit, Kal'tsit/Theresa, Theresa/Doctor
Summary: Dr. Lau returns to Rhodes Island a stranger in a strange land, in a labyrinth of things that feel like they should be familiar but aren't—and at the center is Dr. Kal'tsit and all the things she's not saying. Even if amnesia's changed her, though, the Doctor wouldn't be the Doctor if she didn't have an impulse to solve for the missing variable.
Notes: while this fic is marked as "spicy" the only actual sexual content is in chapters 8, 9, 17, 23 and 27, and there's cliff notes for the scenes at the bottom of the chapter. sexual content is noted in the start of chapters where it appears.

---

Amiya gives one hell of a speech. You wish you could appreciate it better as you make your way down the landship corridors toward the bridge, hearing it from the emergency broadcast speakers; you're still rubbing sleep from your eyes and pulling yourself together when you arrive, but you manage to at least congratulate her without sounding too weird.¹

Of course, not far behind you—

"I've sent both of you the information," Kal'tsit says briskly, as she enters the bridge,² and then arches an eyebrow, pausing in her stride. "This will be the first time the three of us have taken command together."³

You stick your hands in your pockets, and tip your head slightly in her direction in lieu of making eye contact.⁴ "Am I supposed to be excited, Dr. Kal'tsit?"

You're rewarded with a slight upward jerk of her chin; you caught her off guard.⁵ "You could always stay here," she responds, tersely.⁶ "It's up to you. I can't force you."

"...Dr. Kal'tsit," Amiya cuts in.⁷

Kal'tsit turns, gracefully, to look at her. "I'm listening."

Amiya huffs, crossing her arms across her chest. "I hope you can set aside whatever preconceptions you have of Dr. Zhanchi—" Of course, you know you're getting a reprimand, too, since you shouldn't have said that.⁸ "And I hope you'll set aside whatever prejudices you may have toward Dr. Kal'tsit, Dr. Zhanchi... from, er—the things she's said before."

She tucks her tablet under her arm, and folds her hands in front of her chest. "Dr. Zhanchi has amnesia. Rhodes Island has no reliable treatment to restore the Doctor's memory in just a month or so. So everything that the Doctor is now is the product of new understanding and cognition..."

...there's a little wobble in her expression.⁹ But she carries on. "Dr. Kal'tsit, I hope you can look at this Dr. Zhanchi in a new light—and, Dr. Zhanchi, I don't want you doubting Dr. Kal'tsit's intentions just because of what she's said. She's the person that... you can rely on the most.¹⁰ Whether you trust her or not, she is."

Kal'tsit gives a light exhale of exasperated breath, and Amiya looks at both of you, mouth drawn tightly into a serious line. "Please promise me," she says.

You look away; you can't quite meet either of their eyes.¹¹ "Well, it's hardly the time to refuse," you say, thinly.

"Water under the bridge isn't an option for us," Kal'tsit says, sharply. "Neither of us can become a better person overnight."¹²

Wow. You turn to look at her, an eyebrow raised. "You're lumping me in with you?"¹³

"Dr. Zhanchi! And—Dr. Kaltsit—" Amiya's brows knit together, and her shoulders droop.¹⁴ "Please."

Kal'tsit sighs. "I'm not refusing your proposal, Amiya," she says. "It's just, forgiveness as a form of kindness, of waiving your right to anger, will only make us weak beyond measure." There's steel in her voice.¹⁵ "I will not waive that right—"

But she pauses, and shakes her head; you can see her bite the inside of her lower lip, slightly.¹⁶ "For now, I'll shelve my prejudices. Let's deal with the core city first. Once and for all."

You look at her—staring her down for a long, hard moment. If she won't waive her right to be angry—maybe she's right.¹⁷ And maybe you have a right to yours too. But for now, you just nod, unsmiling, and grit your teeth a little.¹⁸ "Looking forward to working with you, then, Dr. Kal'tsit."

She narrows her eyes, slightly, frowning. "If you're willing," she says, after a moment. "I didn't think it would be this easy. Honestly, I was expecting you to be tricky about it, somehow.¹⁹

"...But what's the harm?" she finishes. "I look forward to working with you, Dr. Lau."

[1] You're probably still a little weird, though. The anxious energy in you doesn't feel like a heavy weight for once, but more like an electricity. You're so scared and sad and angry that it has given you a sort of undampenable nervous energy.

[2] You can feel your hackles raise, automatically. You hate never being sure which one it's going to be today—if she's going to push you away or if she's going to look out for you, you hate that uncertainty, you hate everything she keeps implying without actually saying shit, you hate her—

[3] At least this time she remembers that this is the first time.

[4] There's a degree to which it feels like it hurts, to look at her. You've been building up this wall, ever since your fight a couple days ago (it feels like years, somehow), and looking at her will ruin it.

[5] You've never really had a bitter or mean streak in front of her before—the harshest thing you've said was when you snapped a little in the Lungmen slums. You wonder if you used to do that or not; you're sure she'll never tell you.

[6] You very nearly snap back that you have half a mind to, but Amiya's here. You're not going to stay here.

[7] Even though Amiya doesn't call you out directly, here, you're a little abashed at her having to cut in. You're both adults, for goodness' sake.

[8] You definitely shouldn't have, but you've never felt this... angry, before? Just so... absolutely directionlessly pissed and ready to go for blood.

[9] It'd be a lie to say that you hadn't thought about it—that Amiya was obviously close to you before, and now that person is just... gone. You've never been quite sure how she feels about it, but it has to hurt, even if it's a dull ache.

[10] ...you want to disagree. Every single thing she says to you seems laced with some kind of hidden sting or backhand but at the same time: an ice cube in your hand, warm hands laced in yours, admonishments to conserve your energy.
Why does she have to be so fucking mean about it, though?

[11] You don't really know what kind of facial expression you're making right now and you're not about to chance it being a weird one.

[12] Now that's a hell of a statement, and—does that mean she still thinks you're faking? After all this? What's that about "neither of us"?

[13] It's the pissiest thing you can think of to say under the circumstances. You both go down together.

[14] You're making Amiya sad and this is probably your greatest crime yet. Some absolutely feral part of you has been unleashed though and you can't quite fold so easily, though.

[15] The kind of steel she keeps repeatedly stabbing you with. Not for the first time, you wonder what kind of person you were, previously. How bad the betrayal had to have been.

[16] Biting back saying something else unkind, probably. Maybe. You're not in the mood to be charitable.

[17] It's not like you think you deserve to be forgiven, even if you don't remember what you did. Even if some things are a product of new cognition, the neural pathways you have were formed by the person you were. If you did something once, you might do it again, and the mind's response to harm is to look for patterns that might lead to repeated hurt. You've at least gotten through that much in your medical backreading.
On the other hand, everything really fucking hurts right now in a way that you can't quite contain and you can be angry, too.

[18] Back teeth against back teeth, jaw clenched tight, surely making the medics worry about a bad bruxism habit.

[19] Is that the kind of person you were? Is that the kind of person she wishes you were?

---

Rhodes Island can only deploy five teams; enough to get a job done, not so much that you look threatening to anyone.²⁰ Which means that any operation like this is going to be delicate.

Working on the planning, at least, lets you all settle down into the comfortable distance of businesslike talk.²¹ "Leave tracks, cover the tracks—no matter whether it's objective complete or objective failed," says Kal'tsit, as you go over the final checks on the plan. "We'll use the cover of the sandstorm to approach the city, then employ special equipment to climb into the city superstructure."

You frown. "I know it's standard procedure, but for an operation like this, five teams..."²²

Kal'tsit shakes her head. "Even for a city-state like Lungmen, wiping us out would be a trifle. You saw the L.G.D.; they're as strong as any country's special forces. They certainly have a pharmaceutical company beat."²³

"That's true..." You lean in across the tactical map between you. "But of course Lungmen can't do this, because it'd be starting a war.²⁴ Which is why Chief Wei wanted to stop the Superintendent."²⁵

"Right," she says, setting her chin on her palm. "That, and it's business relating to the Infected.²⁶ But we've departed Lungmen, and Rhodes Island is bearing on the next trade port at fifteen kilometers per hour."

Kal'tsit gestures to the edge of the map's visible area. "We'll be in the wilderness for a few weeks before we get there—aside from some nearby Rhodes Island communications specialists and some trusted vessels, no one will pick up our signal. We'll plot a course around all the nomadic cities' known paths. Even if Lungmen decides to betray us, they won't be able to find us."²⁷

"So something will survive," you say, tapping a finger on the map—but frowning. "Even if the worst happens, but—I won't rely on that.²⁸ We need to be sharper."

"Mm—hmm," says Kal'tsit, rubbing her chin thoughtfully; the little pause of... some kind of uncertainty.²⁹ She glances sideways at you, and for a moment you could almost think that you're getting along; there's an intensity to her expression, but not an unhappy one. Energized, maybe. "Right. We'll need something else to tip the scales."

Amiya looks between both of you, looking a little bemused. "The both of you turned pretty scary..." She studies Kal'tsit, for a long moment. "I know how serious this is, but you don't have to... smile like that, do you?"

You glance at Kal'tsit, sideways.³⁰ "Did I smile?" she says, raising her eyebrows.

"Ah—I know you did!" says Amiya, and then looks a little guilty.³¹ "Er—your lips may not have moved, but... I could feel it?"

Kal'tsit pinches the bridge of her nose,³² and sets her tablet stylus down. "Is that so. So it's like this."

Amiya brightens.³³ "Eh—is that good? That's good, isn't it?"

"No," says Kal'tsit, and looks at her very sternly. "No, I have to say this: I do not intend to rebuild any sort of relationship with this person."

Oh.³⁴ You turn to her, very abruptly, snappish—"Ah. So you finally did get it out of your system."

She does turn to you, then, eyes narrowed.³⁵ "Dr. Lau. That's inappropriate for this setting—"

"I wasn't the one who started this fight, Dr. Kal'tsit, although I must thank you for finally bothering to make it clear where we stand so that I can go into this operation unburdened—"

"That's definitely inappropriate—"

Amiya sighs, and you both pause, abruptly—looking away from each other. You fold your hands in your lap, a little chastened;³⁶ Kal'tsit is silent for a long moment, before clearing her throat and getting back to business.

A distraction to get into the city—two units outside, three inside. Kal'tsit's, Amiya's, and—

"You should meet the leader of the other team," Amiya says, and you get a bad feeling of foreboding.³⁷

"Do I need to...?" you say, and then realize it came out the wrong way when Amiya looks a little concerned.

"Dr. Zhanchi," she says, "Rhodes Island's elite operators—for their own reasons, they dedicate their talent and energy to our project. But not all of them are... exactly as we imagine them. You've met Blaze, for example. But this one—I think you're capable of understanding her and her choices."

Kal'tsit, you realize, is studying you.³⁸ "Judging by your reaction, you may have already met the one we're talking about," she says.³⁹

"Oh," says Amiya, looking a little surprised. "Er... then we're okay?"

You scrub a hand over your face.⁴⁰ "Mm. I think she's right on that count, so—anything else I should know?"

"That's the basic plan," Amiya says. "Honestly, um—it's practical. A plan's a plan, an operation's an operation."

"But the op is what matters," Kal'tsit chimes in, briskly. "A plan is just a basic outline of an operation. And a misstep during an operation can shatter a plan." And she's still studying you—watching your reactions very carefully.⁴¹

"Right," you say, willing yourself into composure,⁴² and then mutter: "Well, let's hope we're not going off of my luck. Off we go."

As the three of you head for the vehicle, you think you hear Kal'tsit snort.

[20] Honestly even like this you're not sure how Rhodes Island has ever managed to pull this off, because—look at all the people who work here.

[21] It even settles you down a bit; Kal'tsit, of course, manages to slide back into being perfectly professional, which rankles.

[22] It's a lot to ask of that few people. You may not be the old you, who could pull off a miracle, but you think you have good enough judgment at this point, and—you know how many casualties Chernobog racked up, the first time.

[23] At this point you can admit you see why a group like yours needs defense operatives as suspicious as it still seems.

[24] Possibly a war Ursus wants, all told, since all of Ursus's might has been silent as this has gone on; maybe one they counted on.

[25] When Amiya told you that Superintendent Ch'en had fled Lungmen to go take on Chernobog herself—that she was not only Talulah's sister, but Infected as well...
You weren't surprised. In a way, it all fits together, finally; the little odd expressions every time the leader of Reunion came up, the chip on her shoulder, the perfection she demands of herself. Thinking about her is dangerous; you'll want to hope to save her. You've been disappointed so many times already, and yet—

[26] The dirty work, as it were; her lip curls slightly in distaste, and it's at last a sentiment you can share.

[27] "Us"—as if the lot of you are ever finding your way back to the landship if all goes wrong. It's a little sobering, even though you've wrapped all the way around from fear and anguish to some kind of feral cheer.

[28] You can't. You absolutely cannot fathom losing anyone else today so you will simply choose not to, as if that's a thing you can do.

[29] You think about that one offhand comment Blaze made, that you were supposed to like efficiency—is caring about the cost that new to you?

[30] She didn't smile, did she? You definitely didn't notice, and normally you think you would.
Actually you're not sure you've ever seen her smile, exactly. Neutral at best, even when you were... getting along.

[31] You're really going to have to line your hood with tinfoil or whatever will block Amiya's Arts, whatever exactly they are.

[32] What, did she actually get caught having a positive emotion?

[33] ...Oh, bless her, she's hoping for the best, but the slight shift in Kal'tsit's expression you know means she's about to be very disappointed.

[34] Something feels like it snaps inside your chest.

[35] If she wants to see you at your worst to see if it's what she feared, well! Congratulations! Here it is!

[36] You have got to get a handle on yourself; you can't put this all on Amiya, who's been through even more than you have, today.

[37] Isn't it a little too coincidental that you met a notable young Elite Operator just hours before? Of course she's going to be the squad leader. Of fucking course.

[38] She's been watching you closely this entire time, in fact, but she looks like she's had a realization.

[39] ...she read you right. For once.

[40] It's not remotely okay. Elite Operator Rosmontis is still in her early teens at best, and—okay. Well. Sure. Fine. You can get into a fight about that later.

[41] Is she trying to divine if you're hiding something? If you're going to ruin things yet again? Well, if she is, she can keep guessing, because oh boy, not even you know!

[42] Or a semblance thereof. Composure-like substitute.

---

The plan's in place. You managed to keep your shit together through the distraction almost going off slightly wrong, at least;⁴³ Nearl manages to jury-rig a fix for it, and Good Boy's⁴⁴ still airborne above you, with Dobermann overseeing—

So nothing catastrophic yet. Enough close calls, but nothing actually hitting the mark, and they still haven't been actually been able to paint a target on Good Boy as much as they're clearly trying.⁴⁵ The next step is one of the harder ones: actually getting into the city.

"Grappling hooks, prepare to fire! Operators, make sure the cables are securely fixed to the underside of the city!" Amiya calls, from next to you; you pull your hood a little tighter around your head and put on a dust mask.⁴⁶

Maybe the absolutely batshit energy is starting to leave you,⁴⁷ because looking up at those grappling hook lines—you're suddenly realizing you're going to have to get up one of those somehow, and that's... daunting.⁴⁸

"Hurry up, everyone!" says Amiya, getting her carabiner set on a line, and starts to climb, followed by the rest of the team, fully professional, fully efficient.⁴⁹ Kal'tsit must have been early—you don't see her.

The pilot looks over her shoulder, casting a glance into the covered carrier bed. "We're out of time! We have to slow down—if we drive out of the sandstorm, Chernobog's optical detection system will pick us right up and blow the whole op!"

She looks at you, crawling out of the back of the carrier. "How many people do you have left? Hurry up and—"

"There aren't any left," you say.⁵⁰ There's no one behind you. "I'm the last one."

"Huh? Wait—" She looks at you, startled.

"Pass me a carabiner," you say, fixing your dust mask in place, already feeling preemptive exhaustion creeping into your bones.⁵¹ "I'll manage."

"Eh—but, you've never had operator training, have you? We can't send you up there alone—didn't Dr. Kal'tsit assign you any battlefield support?"⁵² She hits the brakes hard and cranks the wheel to hold you steadier under the city, which has the unfortunate side effect of causing your stomach to do a flip.⁵³

You sigh,⁵⁴ and secure yourself to the rope, before adjusting your grip and taking a tentative step up. "Maybe she thought—I could use—the exercise," you say, through gritted teeth, voice straining with exertion.

"I did assign you battlefield support," you hear Kal'tsit say, flatly, from above you, and almost lose your grip on the carabiner out of startlement.⁵⁵ "Me."

But even if you had lost your grip, you'd have been fine; you can't quite see, through the sandstorm, but an arm catches you firmly around the waist,⁵⁶ hauling you up.

"You can seize your own fate next time, Dr. Lau," Kal'tsit says, tucking you against her waist,⁵⁷ and—

...mm. No luck for you today. No luck at all.

[43] Barely, but it's the small victories.

[44] Who do you let name your aircraft, anyway. Surely that's not Kal'tsit's doing.

[45] The explosions do make you wince a little, though.

[46] Not for the first time, you think you're in over your head; not for the last time, you're just going to have to make it work.

[47] Blessing and a curse.

[48] Like, you've been going to the gym and doing your doctor-mandated workouts, but it hasn't been that long.

[49] How does everyone else make it look so easy?

[50] There's still no sinking feeling in your stomach, because—well, it would just happen like this, wouldn't it? Of course.

[51] This is going to kick your ass and you're going to be feeling it for the next month if you don't die.

[52] You get battlefield support?! News to you. For fuck's sake.

[53] It is, perhaps, a good thing you missed breakfast.

[54] Whatever. This might as well be happening.

[55] Why is she like this!

[56] Or, at least—you have no better explanation for what it is, roughly shaped like an arm, but without the texture of it, and too large, but it's her voice—

[57] And you were thinking you were going to win the fight against her gravity, and yet, again, here you are.