veryroundbirdfics | Arknights | Hand in Unlovable Hand, Chapter 6

Rating: Spicy
Chapter: 6/28
Characters: Doctor (F), Kal'tsit, Amiya, various others
Relationships: Doctor/Kal'tsit, Kal'tsit/Theresa, Theresa/Doctor
Summary: Dr. Lau returns to Rhodes Island a stranger in a strange land, in a labyrinth of things that feel like they should be familiar but aren't—and at the center is Dr. Kal'tsit and all the things she's not saying. Even if amnesia's changed her, though, the Doctor wouldn't be the Doctor if she didn't have an impulse to solve for the missing variable.
Notes: while this fic is marked as "spicy" the only actual sexual content is in chapters 8, 9, 17, 23 and 27, and there's cliff notes for the scenes at the bottom of the chapter. sexual content is noted in the start of chapters where it appears.

You're finding you have a contentious relationship with being right, on account of it is almost always bad news that you're right about.¹

The L.G.D. medics gave you a topical antiseptic for the cut on your head from the explosions, and told you that you should take a day off once you're able to get back to Rhodes Island. Honestly, you probably should sit the rest of this mission out,² but you'd waved off further treatment, because—well. You promised.

Ch'en and Amiya discuss the situation in hushed tones nearby; apparently the situation's serious enough to warrant a little more information. It always goes back to Chernobog, of course.³ Misha's father was someone of importance—someone who might have given her vital information.⁴

You, meanwhile, are hovering nearby, drinking down a horrible-tasting energy drink⁵ to make sure you don't pass out and occasionally giving the nod to requests people make of you, sending Blacksteel and Penguin Logistics off to spot for ambushes. You can tell the tall, broad-shouldered Oni inspector with the L.G.D. is keeping a bit of a concerned eye on you;⁶ you must look awful.

"Need some water, Ma'am?" Inspector Hoshiguma says. "Those energy drinks will dehydrate you." Conspiratorially, she bends closer, and offers you a water bottle from her pack: "The Superintendent's the same way."⁷

You take it, gratefully, with a slightly hoarse laugh. "Longer day than I'm used to. I've been laid up for a while."

"Damn, well—don't be too hard on yourself, then. You've got a bit of steel in you to get through all that so far." She gives you a thumbs-up.⁸ "Just stick close to me and I'll hold you up if you need it."

"Thanks," you murmur. "It's all trouble ahead, though, I think."⁹

She shrugs. "Yeah, probably. But we're both behind someone we've got complete faith in, aren't we?"¹⁰

"Hah." You tuck some hair back behind your ear, and pull up your hood to make things a little bit less obscenely bright out. "Well—I'd better check on Amiya, speaking of."

"As long as you don't mind my tagging along! I promise it's not because I don't trust you."

You give her a wan smile, and wave her along with you. "Well, I'm not worried. No one tells me the secrets anyway."¹¹

Amiya gives you a bright if slightly weary smile as you approach. "It's under control for now, Doctor," she says. "We've got some Reunion forces approaching our position, though; Franka and Liskarm have eyes on them and are fighting off their advance guard. I—"

She turns, abruptly, binoculars at the ready, at movement in the distance. "Hang on," she says, and then passes them to you. "Doctor, do you see that?"

You take them, and squint through them into the distance. "Oh," you say.¹² "Oh, that's. That's a problem. Uh—shit," and then raise your voice. "Incoming—everyone to positions—"

It's so hard to filter everything down to what you actually need to be thinking about. You have to concentrate. It's horrible all the time but it's even worse now, with your splitting headache and how tired you are¹³ and you only dimly register the ground shaking beneath you—

It happens so fast.

Someone's close, swinging at you with long blades, and there's the clang of metal on metal as Hoshiguma, still close to you, interposes herself and her shield. Then, heat—

"Is he trying to detonate his staff—Doctor, run!" Someone's shouting—Franka, maybe.¹⁴ "At that distance, you'll—"

Hoshiguma turns toward you, eyes wide—

You can't move fast enough. You can't.

Amiya can, and does.

[1] If only you could get your head to slow down. You probably wouldn't be remotely as valuable but you're beginning to think that actually you'd prefer to be useless.

[2] Not least because it's entirely possible you have a mild concussion.

[3] You suspect you're not going to be able to truly escape that place for quite some time.

[4] It strikes you as the kind of thing that—while there might be some situation where it would be necessary—would be something of a cruel thing to put upon a child. But then again, that's Terra, isn't it?

[5] What the hell is "white horse kohl" flavor, anyway. Who invented this. This is a crime against humanity.

[6] Which is a little embarrassing, but she's very circumspect about it, at least.

[7] Despite being physically intimidating she is, in fact, immediately likable. Maybe it makes sense that Ch'en has someone to balance her.

[8] Somehow when it comes from her, it manages to feel both reassuring and not condescending at all.

[9] You're pretty sure at this point that however much life you have left, it's trouble all the way down.

[10] You're sure she means Superintendent Ch'en; a bond that clearly goes deeper than captain and subordinate, though the fact that Hoshiguma can gently poke at Ch'en's bad habits was proof enough of that already.

[11] Possibly a little irritated exhaustion leaks through, but you're so tired it's getting hard to control your affect.

[12] Thank goodness you've been trying to put as much information into your brain over the last couple weeks as possible or otherwise you woudn't have known the significance—Sarkaz mercenaries? With Reunion?

[13] Maybe you really should have taken the opportunity to rest. You're supposed to rest with concussions, but it'd be nice if things would stop happening.

[14] It sounds like her voice, but it's hard for you to parse—everything's too loud and too much.

Oh shit oh fuck oh shit oh fuck. Fuck—

You only vaguely remember what happens next—Hoshiguma pulling you behind her and shuffling you off toward the back of the group, speaking to you in a calm voice.¹⁵ It barely registers, whateve she says, though; your mind's eye is still fixed on Skullshatterer, fallen, that long black blade of Amiya's arts skewered through his chest.¹⁶

He couldn't be out of his teens. And Amiya, too—

You said you wouldn't let this happen. You cannot do one damn thing you need to do,¹⁷ and yet you can't make your body do what it needs to because the damn thing always betrays you.

"I have to—Amiya—"

"Steady there, Doctor," says Hoshiguma, reaching to catch your arm. "It's still dangerous out there—they haven't all fallen back."

"And that's why I have to—please. Help me out."

She gives you a dubious kind of look, hefts her shield on her opposite arm, and helps you to hobble toward Amiya, still kneeling in front of Skullshatterer's body.¹⁸

You hang off of Hoshiguma's arm, and drop to kneeling next to Amiya. "We should leave within five minutes," says the Inspector, and moves to hang back. "But I'll leave you to it."

"Hey," you say to Amiya, after a long moment.

She's quiet for a long moment. "Dr. Zhanchi."¹⁹

"Amiya—I'm sorry. You shouldn't have had to—" You shake your head. "It's not your fault."

She draws a circle in the loose earth with her forefinger, idly.²⁰ "I don't regret it—" And then shakes her head herself. "No, what I mean is... I will always use my power for your sake. No matter what kind of burden he was carrying, I don't regret killing him."

"That's too much," you murmur, under your breath.²¹

"But... there should have been a better way, and he died because... I wasn't able to find it. That's what's eating me up inside. I don't want... I don't want you to see me like this, Dr. Zhanchi."

She sits back on her heels, looking up at the grey, smoky sky. "Even though I've always talked about freeing the Infected from pain and suffering... But when it matters the most, I have to persuade myself, again and again, that it's justified to take the life of another Infected."²²

You cross your arms across your knees. "It's funny. I was going to say... I didn't think I'd done enough to support you. That if I'd done better, it wouldn't have come to this."²³ You breathe out. "But you protected me. Someday—I'd like to know what I did to earn that kind of trust."²⁴

Amiya smiles, soft and sad, and looks up at you. "I—"

"Ready?" calls Hoshiguma, from her guard position. "We've gotta get going."

"Are you going to be all right?" you ask Amiya, quietly.

She smiles, wanly. "Are you?"

You laugh, mirthless—and you don't say anything further.

[15] It helps, a little. Just something to focus on, even if you can't understand what she's saying at the moment.

[16] You'll think about this properly later: how does someone like Amiya learn arts like that? And why?

[17] Kal'tsit's absolutely going to kill you and it will be a mercy and a relief.

[18] You have to fight down nausea, just looking at the corpse. Even the others here who seem shaken—you feel like an absolute wuss in comparison. Even all the other fallen on this battlefield—you can't ask people to do things that you're squeamish about, can you?

[19] You realize—she always calls you by your given name, when most others who knew you before call you "Dr. Lau."

[20] After a few traces, her finger comes away tinged with red.

[21] What did you ever do to earn this? How could you possibly deserve this?

[22] Skullshatterer had said something like that, you rememeber now that your head is starting to clear. Plenty of members of Reunion have, shouted after you. You don't have a response, either.

[23] If your life is worth anything—you should be able to do what they needed you for. If those lives that were lost on your behalf can be said to be spent well.

[24] Surely, at least she must know. If Kal'tsit doesn't want to tell you, maybe—

When that Sarkaz woman with the razor-sharp smile and the red horns shows up to throw a cellphone and a flashbang at all of you, you've gone past surprise into just accepting that everything is just going to happen. Someone is dead; you've been shot at; many things are on fire and you've still lost Misha.²⁵

You stiffen at hearing the voice on the other end of the phone line when Amiya puts it on speaker. Well—voices. You can hear a Reunion camp in the background, and...

...of course they sound just like your people, tending to their wounded, mourning their dead.²⁶ Of course Misha is heartbroken, because—the last piece slots into place. Her brother. Of course that's why Reunion was looking for her—no. That's why Skullshatterer was looking for her.

Because she was his sister.²⁷

And of course, Misha wishes she could have stood up for him years ago, not that a child could be expected to do anything. Of course, she sympathizes with the outcast Infected.

And of course, when Skullshatterer finds you again, in that battle damaged cloak and mask, rallying the Reunion forces, you know whose face is behind it, this time. It couldn't be anyone else.

"Doctor," says Amiya, desperately, looking back toward you. "I don't—that's—"

You know what she's going to ask next.²⁸ You wish she wouldn't.

"I can't see any other way," you say. "I wish I did, but I don't—I can't tell you something else to do, so—"²⁹

So. That's that.

[25] Yeah.

[26] The worst part is that it feels like looking at that escape from Chernobog from the outside.

[27] And here's you, with these tenuous connections that all lead to a person you aren't anymore.

[28] "What should I do": you'll never have an answer you like, or an answer she'll like. You'll never have an answer that will save one young grieving ursine girl.

[29] The look she gives you pierces your heart straight through. It's not a good enough answer. You know it isn't.

You wish you could say it's a relief to be back at Rhodes Island. Getting back feels like it passes in the blink of an eye. Or rather—you didn't really notice it passing.³⁰

What makes you notice is the feeling of a hand on your face, gentle; something cold in the palm of your hand. You blink, and look down; someone's put an ice cube into your hand, curled your fingers around it,³¹ but you're alone. Flexing your fingers, you take a long breath, and realize there's something in your other hand—a piece of paper, with a very short note in spidery handwriting.

It reads:

See me when you read this.
— Kal'tsit

Ah. Great.

[30] Maybe you should be more worried. On the other hand—the alternative of experiencing time is hardly a pleasant thought, either.

[31] There's a full mug of coffee on the counter, too—you're in the communal kitchen. You're pretty sure the mug of coffee was your own work, though.