veryroundbirdfics | Arknights | Hand in Unlovable Hand, Chapter 4

Rating: Spicy
Chapter: 4/28
Characters: Doctor (F), Kal'tsit, Amiya, various others
Relationships: Doctor/Kal'tsit, Kal'tsit/Theresa, Theresa/Doctor
Summary: Dr. Lau returns to Rhodes Island a stranger in a strange land, in a labyrinth of things that feel like they should be familiar but aren't—and at the center is Dr. Kal'tsit and all the things she's not saying. Even if amnesia's changed her, though, the Doctor wouldn't be the Doctor if she didn't have an impulse to solve for the missing variable.
Notes: while this fic is marked as "spicy" the only actual sexual content is in chapters 8, 9, 17, 23 and 27, and there's cliff notes for the scenes at the bottom of the chapter. sexual content is noted in the start of chapters where it appears.

The new year comes and goes¹, and your work piles up. You try and work things into a routine as you can, but every day's an adventure² at Rhodes Island. You assign squads of operators to cooperate with L.G.D. operations; you get drafted³ to welcome incoming partner squads on contract to you from Blacksteel and Penguin Logistics.⁴

"Welcome aboard," says Kal'tsit, with brisk ease. "Your usual quarters have been arranged for you; thank you for coming on such short notice. This is Dr. Lau, a colleague who recently returned to Rhodes Island; she'll be part of field command, and you can expect to work with her as well as with Amiya."

"Right," says Operator Texas, the dark-haired Lupo in the group.⁵ "Briefing?"

"At oh-eight hundred hours," says Kal'tsit. "There'll be coffee."

"You got it. Bright and early!" Operator Exusiai cuts in, halo flaring bright, and hefting a truly alarming number of Sankta guns with her for all that good cheer.⁶ "C'mon, Texas, let's get unpacked!"

The Blacksteel crew is just unpacking their own transport; you glance to Kal'tsit before giving them a wave. "You probably just heard Dr. Kal'tsit say, but I'm Dr. Lau; we're glad to have your assistance. Good to work with you."

Operator Liskarm gives you a crisp nod and a firm handshake that makes your hair stand on end,⁷ while Operator Franka gives you a thumbs up and a grin, nudging Liskarm in the ribs with her elbow. "Forgot to put on your grounding bracelet."

Liskarm scowls. "I know, Franka, I know! Don't you have an appointment to get to?"

"Right, right—Doctor, no changes there?"

"Er—" You glance down at your tablet and scroll very quickly through all your notes for the day. "Right—seeing Dr. Shining in Exam Room A, oh-seven hundred.⁸ Intern Hibiscus will see you for forms and vitals, and, ah... it seems you know the drill better than I do, but let us know if there's anything else you need."

You catch Kal'tsit giving a slight nod of confirmation⁹, and nod even more vigorously at them. "And, ah, we'll see you at the briefing. I believe Dr. Shining is aware, so it shouldn't run over..."

Franka gives you both a little mock salute. "No need to worry, Doc, we can take it from here!"

"Although some help carrying things would be appreciated since someone overpacked—"¹⁰

Kal'tsit's already waving over one of the assistants in the hangar to help, and gesturing you back toward the corridors of the landship proper, where her senior resident is waiting for both of you.

Ansel smooths back his long Cautus lop ears as you approach,¹¹ and hands Kal'tsit a mug of coffee in the perfunctory way one gets with doing something every day for a very long time. She takes the mug, and to your surprise, presses it into your hands¹² before taking the second one from him for herself.

"Dr. Shining asks that you come in to consult on Miss Specter's checkup this afternoon—it looks like you don't have any schedule conflicts, so I tentatively approved the appointment," he starts in, without preamble, and starts running her through a list of things needing her attention.

It's all stuff you mostly tune out—either it's meetings you're in, or things that are definitely above your level, right now, and, bless Kal'tsit, you really needed stimulants.¹³

You're starting to wake up properly when Ansel brings up the last item: "Ah, and—the last thing was, Miss Popukar's having trouble getting along with the other children her age. She's been running off and hiding—of course PRTS can locate her while she's on the landship, but I worry..."

Kal'tsit frowns, and takes another sip of her coffee. "That girl... we're low on staff, but if need be, I'll oversee her care myself."¹⁴

Ansel huffs. "Let some of us be useful for once, too, all right?¹⁵ We'll both see if we can do something for her. This place is her family now."

"Well—yes. Of course we will."¹⁶ She clicks her tablet cover closed. "If there's nothing else, you're free to go about the rest of your day; I have to prepare for the briefing. This way, Dr. Lau," she says; Ansel nods to you both with his deeply serious expression, and trots off toward the medical wing.¹⁷

"Thanks for the coffee," you murmur, once he's out of earshot.¹⁸

"Thank Dr. Ansel," she says, still looking straight ahead in your walking direction. "He's my resident, not my secretary. It's relatively common for Liberi with Oripathy to suffer sleep disorders and experience daytime sleepiness as a result, no matter how well-medicated they are."¹⁹

You smile, and take another gulp of your coffee. "Well, I'll make sure to thank him, too, then."²⁰

She glances back at you—just briefly—then gives a light shrug of her shoulders before picking up her pace, and you jog to keep up. Onward.

[1] You are somewhat unsettled to realize, looking at your calendar, that the day you woke up in Chernobog was Amiya's birthday.

[2] Or at least that's how Dr. Gavial puts it when clapping you on the shoulder so hard you almost fall off the exam table. You are, unfortunately, not very adventurous.

[3] At an obscenely early hour, to boot.

[4] One being a military and security contractor, and the other being a company that makes suspiciously vague deliveries. Sure. Fine. This is your life now.

[5] You have now read every operator file you're allowed access to in the database system and have memorized as many faces as you could because you are terrified that otherwise you won't be able to bullshit fast enough.

[6] Honestly the most terrifying thing about her is that she's apparently a morning person.

[7] Fucking damn it.

[8] Blacksteel's partnership with Rhodes Island is, apparently, because of Operator Franka's medical needs—she's that valuable to them.

[9] Just that tiny bit of acknowledgment that you did something right is so embarrassingly validating, honestly. Time to just expire on the spot.

[10] ...it's a little sweet, really; as much as they argue, there's a clear fondness underlying all their interactions. Deeply unlike you and Kal'tsit.

[11] He's really only a handspan taller than Amiya, since Cautus skew small, but he's clearly older, even if you hadn't read his file; he's more naturally adult, rather than having it be a practiced skill.

[12] You give her a look, caught off-guard; it's a small thing, but somehow the small, mundane bits of assistance are... weirder.

[13] Honestly at some point you're going to have to ask what the engineers drink, because most of them are chipper enough they have to have something stronger.

[14] There's a little note of bitterness—anger, maybe, now that you think about it, that underscores her voice. She's angry on behalf of this girl and her circumstances, whatever they are. If it's enough to bring that out in Kal'tsit, it had to have been bad.

[15] You're pretty sure if you said something like that to Kal'tsit that she would in fact murder you immediately, which speaks to how likable Ansel is, and also how much she has to respect him.

[16] Is it just you, or does she even sound a little like she got caught out, there?

[17] Honestly, despite his serious demeanor, he's kind of a calming presence. You can see why Kal'tsit likes him.

[18] Not that it's a secret, but somehow you feel like she probably doesn't want you making insinuations that she cares in front of anyone else, and if this is what she's like when she's doing her level best to be neutral you don't want to see what "pissed" looks like.

[19] Clinical and accurate and also a little unintentionally revealing of the fact that she's thought about it for more than a brief moment.

[20] Later, you do, and get the satisfaction of him telling you to thank Kal'tsit instead—"She said you'd been having trouble sleeping and could use some," he says.
Someday you're going to figure out how to get her back. Damned if you have any ideas what she needs, though; she's a professional at not showing it.

The briefing goes largely without a hitch or too many questions; the L.G.D. has requested Rhodes Island's assistance with tracking down potential Reunion cells among the refugees filtering into the slums,²¹ which is where you've found yourselves needing some more specialized help. Rhodes Island's wheelhouse is in defense, evacuations, and escorts, not in manhunts.²²

You pause, flipping through the briefing packet, and circle a section on your tablet under a list of individuals to be apprehended for questioning.²³ The photo is of a young Ursus girl, probably barely into her teens, with soft white hair that frames her face,²⁴ out of place on a list of wanted suspects—apparently it's for her own protection that she's to be brought in.

Amiya will be on this mission—and, if medical clears you, so will you. Theoretically, you are improving, health-wise;²⁵ you're just still questioning how useful you'll really be on this mission.²⁶

It's the opposite of straightforward, but you at least leave the briefing feeling like you remember well enough what was said,²⁷ and hang back from everyone leaving to refill your coffee mug and decompress a little bit. And also—

"You can come out now," you say, to the empty room. "Everyone else is gone."²⁸

There's a little startled noise from the slightly-ajar A/V closet, and then silence again.

"Ah—I won't scold you, I promise," you say, and mean it. "Honestly, most of the time I wish I were hiding, too. Are you Popukar? Dr. Kal'tsit was worried about you."

"Um—"

You wander around the conference table, and crouch down a little away from the closet door. "I'm Dr. Zhanchi. I don't know if anyone's mentioned me, but I'm new here, and I don't know that many people; is it all right if I meet you?"²⁹

There's a quiet scuffling, the whisper of fabric against tile floor—and the door opens a nudge, and you can see a tiny girl's face.³⁰

"Um, Doctor... I know I'm not supposed to listen to grown-up meetings, so don't yell at me..."³¹

You shake your head. "I won't, I promise. I'm not very good at talking, let alone yelling."

"Ah—me neither!" She pulls open the sliding door a little bit further, and squeezes out—maybe the only person here you've seen who's shorter than Amiya, swimming in an oversized red-and-black hoodie, one eye covered by a medical eyepatch. "Um—it's nice to meet you, um—what was your name again?"

"It's Dr. Zhanchi—if that's hard to pronounce, just 'Doctor' is fine." You ease down onto your knees.³² "Can I ask why you wanted to hide?"

She bites her lower lip.³³ "Um—well, Doctor Jan, er... Doctor—it's just that... sometimes, the others in the... workroom? Classroom?³⁴ During break times, sometimes someone will get in a fight and start yelling, and I don't—I, I don't... I forget what happens after that, but everyone looks at my funny..."

You nod, solemnly.³⁵ "It's scary, right?"

"Well, and they shouldn't!" She says it with such complete earnestness it gets a surprised bark of a laugh out of you. "That's not weird!"

"You're right, it's not," you say, smiling. "I'd love to be in a world where people fight less." You reach out a hand to her. "I think probably we should get you back, but I can ask them to keep things calmer when you're around. I know a few people, you see."

Popukar hesitates a moment, and then puts her small hand in yours. "Okay," she says, quietly.

When you arrive back on the children's ward hand-in-hand with Popukar, chatting amicably about what she's going to draw this afternoon, Kal'tsit's there talking to one of the teachers; she very nearly does a double-take at seeing you.³⁶

"I'll draw you too, okay?" she says, as she unlatches from you; the young and harried-looking teacher immediately gets an arm around her and starts steering her back to where she ought to be. "Bye-bye, Doctor! Hi, Doctor Kelsey!"³⁷

"She's a sweet kid," you say, sticking your hands in your pockets. "It seems like she might need a sort of quiet-time room to go to, though—" A glance sideways at Kal'tsit. "She takes fighting too seriously?"

Kal'tsit runs a hand backwards through her hair, her gaze distant. "Popukar was indentured to a lumber yard in Rim Billiton. The owner put a chainsaw in her hands and treated her like his prize guard hound for keeping the employees in order and trespassers out. At that time, I chose to believe that there were other options for her."

You're pretty sure the look on your face is clear enough.³⁸ "So—you stole her."

She snorts. "I sure as hell didn't pay for a child."³⁹

"Well—even if it's not easy for her, I can tell she's glad she's here." You raise a hand in a reflexive impulse to put it on her shoulder,⁴⁰ but you think the better of it quickly enough and move to lower it—

—at the same time she moves her hand to swat yours away, which awkwardly results in both your fingers brushing, for a moment.

For a moment, both of you stand there, frozen, eyes not quite meeting—and then she turns on the ball of her foot and walks briskly away, as if nothing happened. You're not quite sure if anything did.

[21] You'd love to suggest to Chief Wei that perhaps there's a very obvious reason why no one in the slums is willing to inform on Reunion but you're pretty sure nearly everyone in the room from Rhodes Island feels that way, so you keep that one to yourself.

[22] Honestly, you're not entirely sure why the L.G.D. asked you for help on this one, unless it was to test y—oh. That's why they asked for your help on this one.

[23] Your trust for Wei Yenwu is going distinctly into the negatives.

[24] You're quite sure that she's not familiar to you at all... or at least not any more familiar than any of these old colleagues-made-strangers. Maybe it's just that there's a premature air of maturity around her face, same as Amiya, same as some of the other young people you see around Rhodes Island.

[25] Theoretically. You yourself are dubious because you are increasingly aware with every further day you exist how much you feel like you're about to fall apart at any given second.

[26] Maybe the worry shows on your face; Amiya gives you a reassuring smile, from the front of the room. Though, in addition to that—is this really all right for Rhodes Island to be doing?

[27] If not feeling like you know everything you need to, which you are pretty sure you never will.

[28] You'd noticed the little things out of place, and given how meticulously the conference rooms here are kept, and how they're generally quiet when out of use—you'd formed a hypothesis you thought was worth testing.

[29] In a way, it's a little easier to talk to kids. You don't have to worry quite so much about living up to reputation or appearances. (You wonder if Kal'tsit is the same way.)

[30] Oh no she's SO small.

[31] Spoken like a girl who's used to being yelled at for very small things. You think you have at least some idea why Kal'tsit was determined to do something for her.

[32] Ohhhhhh no your legs are so sore. Oh that was a mistake.

[33] She bites it hard—enough to draw a little blood, which she doesn't seem to notice. Either she's got sensory damage or difficulty with motor control; it doesn't surprise you, since Kal'tsit and Ansel talked about her case as if it was quite serious, but it's still... sobering.

[34] The slip indicates that she's not used to the idea of classrooms, even, and is used to working—she can't be past adolescence.

[35] Specifically, because you're trying very hard not to frown; there's definitely something to be looked into there, but it's certainly not her fault.

[36] More data points for the continued mental calculus of who you once were: it's not that she so much seems surprised, but... you're not sure what it is. Maybe the sort of surprise that comes with déjà vu.

[37] Kal'tsit doesn't even seem to mind; it's just categorically endearing.

[38] Big yikes? Big yikes.

[39] Further self-analysis data points: you're very into that.

[40] One of those things where you're not quite sure if it's the normal instinct, the fact that you're drawn to her, or an artifact of your past relationship(?)

The next day comes, and Dr. Gavial gives you a clean bill of health for going into the field.⁴¹

"Or rather, under ideal circumstances probably I'd want to keep you for another month, but welcome to Terra,"⁴² she says, whacking you on the shoulder. "Now, deployment might involve physical exertion, so try and build in time to rest and recuperate; don't push yourself too hard with extra workouts on days when you'll be in the field."⁴³

"Right," you say, dully.

"Nervous? They'll take good care of you out there—but, hm," she says, taking a seat in her desk chair and spinning it fully around once with her tail. "You're worried about being able to take care of them, right?"⁴⁴

You pick at the edge of your exam gown. "That's... a concern, yes."

"I'm not going to tell you it's going to be easy or that it's not going to feel fucking awful. I grew up fighting, but I didn't grow up doing medicine, and let me tell you, I definitely was scared as shit doing my first real procedures." She plants the corner of her tablet on her knee, and spins it idly.⁴⁵ "Yeah, you won't get it perfect, and yeah, you'll make mistakes and other people might suffer for it. But if it's something you think is worth doing, you just gotta do what you can do."

She leans forward, and raps you on the knee with her tablet. "Because if you fight as hard as you can, tooth and nail, and survive to tell about it, you can get stronger every day you keep doing that. So keep fighting hard, Doctor."

You're not entirely at ease when you leave the office. Your heart feels like it's caught in your throat, still. But you let yourself breathe for a minute, long breath in, long breath out. One day at a time: maybe you can do this. Here you go.

[41] You should have smoked half a pack of cigarettes yesterday to throw this but on the other hand you're getting the impression every medic here can and will kick your ass.

[42] Ha ha very funny.

[43] Small favors for out-of-shape nerds.

[44] Ouch. She really has you dead to rights already, somehow, probably because of all the mental health questionnaires you've had to turn in.

[45] Dr. Gavial is always in some kind of motion, like she's some kind of perpetual motion machine; if you could siphon off some of that energy probably you could power Terra.