Arknights | Hand in Unlovable Hand, Chapter 27

[veryroundbird]

Rating: Spicy
Chapter: 27/28
Characters: Doctor (F), Kal'tsit, Amiya, various others
Relationships: Doctor/Kal'tsit, Kal'tsit/Theresa, Theresa/Doctor
Summary: Dr. Lau returns to Rhodes Island a stranger in a strange land, in a labyrinth of things that feel like they should be familiar but aren't—and at the center is Dr. Kal'tsit and all the things she's not saying. Even if amnesia's changed her, though, the Doctor wouldn't be the Doctor if she didn't have an impulse to solve for the missing variable.
Notes: while this fic is marked as "spicy" the only actual sexual content is in chapters 8, 9, 17, 23 and 27, and there's cliff notes for the scenes at the bottom of the chapter. sexual content is noted in the start of chapters where it appears.

---

When you finally arrive at the top of the command tower, you've recovered just enough for Amiya to give you yet another panic attack by fainting immediately after greeting you.

First, Kal'tsit swears you and the former Superintendent to secrecy.¹ Then, she asks for your arm, while going for her equipment case again.

You don't even think; you just extend your arm. The expression must come off as wary, though, because she sighs, deflating a little, and rolls her shoulders.² "This isn't going to hurt," she says. "But—don't ask. I'm going to jam this syringe into your arm and take some blood. That's all I'm telling you."

"Um," you say, pulling back the sleeve of your jacket.³

She gives you a tired kind of glower. "No questions."

She's right. It doesn't hurt. You don't feel anything, actually—her technique's impeccable. What she does next...

...honestly, you're too tired to develop more questions about why she needs your blood for the solution she synthesizes from the device on her waist.⁴ Whatever it is, she injects it into Amiya's neck, and—after a few moments, she starts to stir again.

You can suddenly feel how much tension you were holding in your shoulders as a large chunk of it suddenly leaves you.⁵ "Amiya," you breathe, gripping the edge of the stretcher the medics had loaded her onto.

She makes a quiet, wincing noise, and Kal'tsit puts an arm on her shoulder. "Amiya," she says, gently. "Wake up."

Amiya's eyelashes flutter, and she starts to open her eyes, blearily. "Ah... nn. Miss..." She squints up at both of you, eyes still working to focus. "Miss Theresa...?"

There's just the tiniest wince in Kal'tsit's posture.⁶ But she recovers from it quickly, and shakes her head. "...no. It's me, Amiya."

"Ah—" Amiya ducks her head a little, looking a little abashed once she realizes. "Dr. Kal'tsit, I..."

Kal'tsit huffs a brief sigh. "You're okay, Amiya. You don't have to talk." She puts a hand to Amiya's forehead as Amiya struggles to a sitting position, brushing the sweat-dampened hair back from her skin.⁷ "Let's get ready to go. It's all okay now."

Amiya looks back and forth between the two of you, her expression a little stunned,⁸ and makes a soft, thoughtful sound, as she looks down at her hands in her lap—

—and then very suddenly bursts into tears.

You and Kal'tsit look at each other, and you see an expression of momentary alarm on her face that's twin to yours.⁹ You don't know what else to do but bend to enfold Amiya in your arms as she cries, patting her back soothingly with Kal'tsit beside you, hand on Amiya's head.¹⁰

"It's okay, Amiya," you say, holding the back of her head against your shoulder with your hand; you'd crouch more, but you're afraid your legs will give out from under you.¹¹ "The fight is over."

She sniffles. "My tears..." she murmurs, her voice muffled through layers of fabric. "Doctor, I managed not to cry until the end... I... I promised... I... I..."

"You did," you say, quietly. "But it would have been all right, even so.¹² You did it, Amiya."

Eventually, she quiets, hiccuping a little every now and then as she leans against you; you stroke her hair a little bit and half-listen to Kal'tsit, who peels off to negotiate with Ch'en in the background¹³, until Amiya's nodded off again into a real, exhausted sleep.

"We need Talulah," Kal'tsit's saying to Ch'en, briskly. "Rhodes Island must take her first."

You turn to look at them as you finish carefully laying Amiya back down to rest, open your mouth halfway, go through like three or four different things you could say, and then close your mouth and instead just settle for raising your eyebrows.¹⁴

She huffs. "Are you worried we're going to get ourselves killed? No need, Dr. Lau. That ship has long since sailed.¹⁵ It sailed as soon as we got involved here. We have two swords hanging over our heads: one is Lungmen's and one belongs to the Third Army of Ursus."

"Right," you say, pinching the bridge of your nose. "And, well—I don't like the idea of handing her over to either of their justice systems, but..."

And, well, she's got a point, when it's all laid out. Rhodes Island has proven itself maybe a little too capable, in the face of dangers like this¹⁶—to be able to carry out this kind of assault and unravel the whole conspiracy. Neither Ursus nor Lungmen will protect you. And that's why, she says, you need Talulah.

"Anyone who might want to strike at us first needs to consider the signal they're sending," she says, briskly. "Does it say to their rivals that they need Talulah? That she's key to this case? That she grants an advantage, that she could eliminate a weakness?" She looks at Ch'en first, then at you.¹⁷ "That is our one and only chance at survival."

You don't really have a real protestation, so you mostly just shrug, and... besides, now that the adrenaline of the entire day is wearing off, your eyelids feel incredibly heavy.¹⁸ "One way or another, we'll make it work, I guess," you manage, rubbing your face.

Kal'tsit just sighs, and turns her head up to look as the thrum of the aircraft beats its arrival overhead. "Time to go," she says, the edge of her voice slightly worn off.¹⁹ "Get Talulah and Amiya in first—we'll take the next one."

The Superintendent—well, just Ch'en now, nods crisply, and goes to drape Talulah's arm around her shoulders,²⁰ hefting her up; Amiya herself has an honor guard of medics. You can feel your shoulders slump, in a combination of relief and exhaustion.

You don't even realize you're listing sideways slightly until Kal'tsit catches your arm, holding you steady;²¹ when you lean into it, she doesn't move away.

[1] And also swears in the sense that she immediately curses vehemently when Amiya crumples.

[2] Maybe she's just gotten out of the habit of having to explain herself to anyone, actually. That'd explain a lot.

[3] Honestly the little she said only made it less reassuring.

[4] At this point your mind is too tired to even formulate questions. Sure. Fine. This is happening.

[5] And leaves you feeling slightly boneless and on the verge of collapsing yourself, but you'll take it.

[6] You're half-certain you also flinched; you can both just not acknowledge that it happened.

[7] With the useful side benefit of wiping part of the fine layer of ash off of her skin. You have no idea what happened up here and you're pretty sure that Kal'tsit was right that you would have been no use whatsoever in it.

[8] Reasonable of her, considering she's standing victorious on top of the blackened and warped remains of the command tower.

[9] Deeply weird to have the same reaction as her to something, honestly, but if there's anything the two of you share, it's that you both would do anything for this girl.

[10] There's something... novel and comfortable about this. Without the circumstances, you could get used to this.
Is this what family is like?

[11] They're definitely going to do that at some point but hopefully you can put that off for long enough to get out of here.

[12] You can be the one to say that; after all, as the one constantly losing your shit, you can at least provide the service to others of letting them know that it's not a total failure if they do it once in a while.

[13] You're glad she still has the wherewithal to talk out whatever's going on because you definitely do not. You can barely even follow it.

[14] You've discovered that you can pack an impressive amount of communication into different types of eyebrow raises, which is going to serve you well for the rest of your life.
Unless you get amnesia again, you suppose.

[15] Okay that's true and that's fair. You were all already extremely in the crosshairs. (Source: Your long list of head injuries.)

[16] Ah, the terrible burden of genius.

[17] At first, you're not quite sure why it seems like she's asking for Ch'en's permission—and then some things click in your head.

[18] Now that there really is a sense of this being done your entire body just wants to have a week-long nap and it wants it now and it's going to get it by any means necessary.

[19] So she does get tired.

[20] You hadn't had the chance, before, to appreciate how similar the two of them looked in facial features—but with both of them right next to each other, the resemblance is stark.

[21] You're so tired that your heart doesn't even beat a little faster. Just comfortably, steadily, warmly.

---

After all that, there's no real time for celebration—just legging it back to Rhodes Island, and getting on to the next thing. Thankfully, getting back is a lot easier than getting there, with the airlift, and you realize you've dozed off when someone gently nudges you awake from leaning on their shoulder, a clack-clack of hard heeled boots on metal fading in their wake.²²

Blessedly, you're able to sleep through the night without disturbances, but that's all the rest you get. You'd think that after something like that there would be less paperwork, but actually there's more.²³ Condolence letters to sign, patent papers to review, course plans—and then there's your personal training regimen.²⁴

In a way, it's welcome, though; you don't know what you'd do, idle, and having scarce time to get lost in your thoughts is maybe for the best.²⁵

But then—however many days later, a memo ends up in your inbox for review that sticks in your head. After thinking it over a few hours, you figure out what you want to do about it.

It brings you, uneasily, to a place you didn't expect to visit again—Kal'tsit's door.²⁶ You half expect her not to answer—but she does.

"Kal'tsit," you say, shifting slightly on your feet. "Er—Dr. Kal'tsit, that is²⁷—I had a request."

She looks up at you, brows knitting slightly. "What is it?"

"I got your message about the KIA list, and the final proofread of it—" You let out a deep breath.²⁸ "I want FrostNova to be on it."

"I—" She frowns.²⁹ "I can't put FrostNova on the KIA list."

This time, though, you're not backing down.³⁰ "Give me a reason."

Kal'tsit shakes her head. "No matter what you say, she wasn't an official employee.³¹ What of the consequences? What if our operators are outraged at you putting a Reunion operative on our casualty list? It's not something you should do."³²

You lean against the frame of the door, crossing your arms. "I don't really care about 'should,' in this instance. She fought for the same goal."

Her lip quirks just slightly.³³ "Is that all it takes?"

No hesitation: "Yes." You smile, although it comes off a little bittersweet. "Rhodes Island fights for the same idea, after all."

Kal'tsit stares at you for a long, long moment. And then she scrubs a hand backwards through her hair, looking suddenly tired³⁴—not quite as tired as she looked in the Sarcophagus chamber, but nearly. "Okay," she says, slowly. "I'll do it. You've done your duty."

She looks down at her boots, in a gesture that's uncharacteristically self-conscious. "I... hope you'll stay as you are now.³⁵ And, ah..." Another pause, and then she shakes her head, and looks back up at you. "And I'd like to apologize for that thing back there, Dr. Lau—The question you asked me back by the sarcophagus. I can't give you an answer."

You blink,³⁶ and then raise your eyebrows a little. "It really was can't, not won't."³⁷

She exhales, a little huff of exasperation, though for once not directed at you. "Not now, not tomorrow, not ever. I don't want to hide the truth, but—I really can't give you the answer you're looking for, unfortunately. Neither I nor PRTS have a good explanation.³⁸ I hope you can forgive us."

Hearing her say "PRTS"—you hadn't put it together before. The way she says it, eliding the letters³⁹...

But she's already going on. "Someday, when the time is right, it will come back to you." She glances up at you, sidelong.⁴⁰ "When that day comes... when you finally know the truth. Will you be ready?"

You duck your head, slightly. "Well, I—thanks, even so," you say, after a moment, rubbing at your forehead. "I guess... I don't have a choice about being ready or not, right?"⁴¹

"...I guess not." She runs a hand backwards through her bangs again, and then—steps a little closer to you. One foot and then the other.⁴² "For now—well. Amiya has taken on a lot of burdens. I hope you could... avoid giving her more bad memories," she says. "If we can take more onto ourselves instead, those things which we can't even face alone—"

She looks down at her hands, and then up at you. And then—reaches up to very gingerly brush some hair away from your face, hand skimming your cheek.⁴³

"We can do it. As long as you're here," she says, quietly. "As long as you're like this."

Your breath catches in your throat, and you tilt your head to lean against her palm.⁴⁴ "I have no idea how I'd ever manage to be anyone else.⁴⁵ So I'll do my best to keep it up." A small shift, to kiss her wrist.

What you expected was not for her to press her head against your chest, wrapping her other arm around your waist.⁴⁶

"Kal'tsit," you murmur. And then, after a moment, gingerly, you rest your other hand in her hair.⁴⁷ "I'll try not to give you any more bad memories, either."

She snorts, lightly. "I'll trust you not to do it on purpose, anyway."

"That's fair." You look down at her, a little exhale like a laugh escaping your throat. "I deserved that."

"That's just a drop in the bucket," she says, dry, looking up at you, and then, in a moment that seems impossibly long and like the blink of an eye, she raises on her toes slightly to kiss you.

You kiss her back slowly, tenderly—and after a moment, she tugs you away from the door frame to shut the door behind you.

"And here I'd mostly resigned myself to pining," you murmur,⁴⁸ with a little huff of a breath, the next time you surface for air and find you're halfway to her bed already.

"I'm still furious."

"I know."

"And I'll never forgive you."

"I know."⁴⁹

"But—" Kal'tsit rests her hands on your shoulders, looking down slightly. "Things have—changed. Just enough. If you can accept all of that—"

"Of course I can."⁵⁰ You slip a hand to the small of her back, pulling her with you the rest of the way to her bed so you can perch on the edge. "Even with all of that, when you're with me... I can face a lot more, if you're next to me."

She moves to straddle your lap, settling against you, although she looks down at her nose at you all the while, eyebrow raised. "Whatever happened to 'I don't feel safe around you at all'?"

"Pff." You lean in, face against her neck, trailing your lips against the skin, and you hear her breathe out a heady sigh.⁵¹ "Part of that's how I can't stop thinking about how I want to do this, you know."

"You really used to be a lot less talkative," she says, rolling her eyes a little, but there's an upturn at one corner of her mouth, and she starts pulling off your sweater, so you can't really take it as a bad thing.

There's a flurry of discarded clothes and hands brushing over skin and tangling into hair; it's short work before you're bending your neck to brush kisses down her bare chest.⁵²

She makes a sharp intake of breath when you close your mouth over the peak of her breast, arching against you. "Ah—"

You'd give her anything, for all the little sounds you coax from her as you cup her breast, rolling the opposite nipple between your fingers, and for the way she smooths her hands down the column of your spine, eliciting a shiver from you.⁵³ You settle for nudging her legs open with your free hand, dragging a knuckle between them.

"Zhanchi—" She cants her hips forward against your hand, and you feel her face press against your hair.

"Kal'tsit," you breathe against her skin, unfolding your hand to skim your fingers across her folds. She's not one to plead,⁵⁴ but the way she reflexively bucks against you is request enough.

You work your fingers into her, and you hear her breath hitch in her throat—and then she gasps, as you curl against her, dragging down and up again into her.

She exhales heavily against you, and then—cups your chin with both hands and tugs it upward to kiss you fiercely, teeth scraping over your lower lip.⁵⁵ It's all you can do to keep yourself and your rhythm steady, collecting every intensifying gasp and sharp inhale against your lips, working her toward release.

Eventually, she drapes around your shoulders, face tucked against your neck such that you can feel her breath evening out, gentle and warm on your skin; she makes a light sigh as you withdraw your fingers.

You could let yourself get used to this. You could let yourself murmur what's rattling around in your head against her ear, if you were just a little braver in this moment,⁵⁶ but there's time enough.

Instead, you let a little grin sneak onto your face, and mutter: "This time, you're stuck with me for good."⁵⁷

There's time enough, so that for now, you can just focus on her, as she raises her head to touch her nose to yours—and the slight curve of a smile on her face as she takes both of your hands, lacing fingers together—

—and pushes you down, pinning them to the bed.

"I'll hold you to it," she says.⁵⁸

And then, for the rest of the night, you don't do very much more thinking at all.

[22] You're not sure if you should read anything into it, or how much. But... you're grateful.

[23] Dr. Gavial writes you a prescription for an anti-RSI wrist brace.

[24] Which is far from your favorite part of every day, but after all your ordeals, you're a little more motivated, and your trainer is nice. Like hell you're going into the field again without any more muscle mass.

[25] You still don't know what to do with all that happened in the bowels of Chernobog.

[26] You'd kind of hoped you could avoid that by checking her office, since you didn't want to do this over email or delay too long, but her aide said she'd already gone off-shift for the night, so—here you are, deeply awkward.

[27] You still don't entirely know where you stand with her right now, after all, so it seems best to play it safe, if a little formal when you're standing outside her room.

[28] After all—you're trying to think about the person you want to be. And this is part of that.

[29] It's more thoughtful than any kind of anger or irritation or affront, though; you think you've got a chance.

[30] This is your decision, and you're confident in it. She wants you to decide things for yourself, so—here you go.

[31] She says that, but you've seen how sparse some of the operator files are due to the fact that it's on your to-do list to help rectify.

[32] There's something in her tone that makes you wonder if she's comparing it to what she'd expect from you, in the old days. And, to be perfectly honest, fuck that.

[33] Bemused—if she's making that expression, you've nearly won.

[34] Unlike Amiya, you can't perfectly tell what people are thinking or feeling—just make very good guesses, and here... you can't tell if it's from thinking about how much your mission has cost you, just now or in the past, or if it's from... maybe, thinking about the you that was, who's now gone.

[35] Your stomach does a flip-flop. That's dangerously close to an admission that she likes you?

[36] You hadn't even expected her to bring it up again, let alone apologize, and you're not sure how to respond.

[37] Not that you didn't believe her, exactly, but—okay, you a little bit didn't believe her.

[38] That's even more mysterious, somehow, from a scientist. For all that Kal'tsit knows—that it really is can't, not won't is... unsettling.

[39] And now... you have even more questions that you absolutely won't get answered.

[40] There's a little worry in her lip. She knows enough that her being worried about what will happen then ought to worry you, but—you're working on considering which worries you can put off for later, and that's definitely one of them. Good practice. You can make a note of that in your doctor-assigned workbook.

[41] And, furthermore, when has the world waited for you to be ready for literally anything?

[42] Like the suddenly-heavy beat of your heart.

[43] You're pretty sure your heart just stops at that point actually. Possibly she finally got her revenge.

[44] Her hand is warm, and the pads of her fingers firm from all the work she's done in her however-many years, and you could melt into that small, gentle touch.

[45] So good luck to you, because it's all you've got. But it might not be so bad.

[46] Oh. You really did worry her a lot, didn't you.

[47] Your heart feels like it's beating in your throat—it's for the best that a lowered voice suits an intimate moment, anyway, since you're not sure you could raise it much.

[48] You really had. Even with everything that had gone after your conversation in the sarcophagus chamber—you could have pinned that on practicality in a moment of stress. You're still not sure you can believe your senses.

[49] You know. You know, and maybe that's why you feel the way you do about her—because she's someone you can trust to hold you to try to escape that shadow of your past self, knowing you the way she does.

[50] Could anything simpler and more peaceful fit people like the two of you? You wonder, and maybe you wish that someday, you'll find something like that—but for all of the complication and bitterness and hurt, it's not an affection in spite of that.
In a way, it's because of it—all that you both understand about each other, and all the things you've seen, and seen through together.

[51] Just that sound and being the one to elicit it is enough to make you absolutely giddy.

[52] You missed this—if it's up to you you're never going to let her go again.

[53] She's very hot but also you do also fantasize about her just holding you sometimes and apparently it's only going to get worse.

[54] Unlike you, who starts begging nigh-immediately because—listen, you will cop to the fact that you are definitely a total bottom. It would be stupid to even try and deny that.

[55] You might taste a little bit of the iron tang of blood but she can do as much of that as she wants.

[56] You're working yourself up to it. You'll get there.

[57] So, hopefully it sounds good to her, too.

[58] Oh. Oh wow. You're gay.

---

Kal'tsit's as good as her word, but you knew that. You listen to her read the names, alone in your office, and have a little cry that's just between you and PRTS. And...

...you carry on.

It's not always easy. But, on the other hand—you're not alone. You have... people to talk to, who'll say hello to you in the hallways or the gym or the caf; you sign up for some shifts reading to the patients in the children's ward.⁵⁹

And parting your ways to separate meetings, Kal'tsit presses a fresh mug of coffee into your grateful hands, puts a lingering hand on your shoulder,⁶⁰ and is on her way—

There's a little squeak behind you, and you realize you've drawn a little bit of an audience.⁶¹ But you smile, and motion with your head for Amiya to fall into step beside you.

"Doctor..." She ducks her head a little sheepishly.⁶² "A lot's happened, hasn't it?"

"Ah—yes," you say, a little quickly, warming your hands around the mug.⁶³ "I, um..."

Amiya laughs—a little outburst of a giggle.⁶⁴ "It's all right if you don't want to talk about anything personal! I don't want to put you on the spot," she says. "But..." She hums a little under her breath. "I'm glad you're back. With you by my side, I feel... I feel happy."⁶⁵

You tighten your grip around the mug, just a little, and look down at your feet as you walk. "I'll try not to make you regret it."⁶⁶

But she just shakes her head, smiling. "I never would!" she says, in her earnest way, her blue eyes bright.⁶⁷ "Because..." She pauses, frowning slightly. "I know... Dr. Kal'tsit told you a lot of things."

"Yeah." You let out a long, deep breath. "She did. I know she said—you weren't sure about telling me."

"Mm... that's true," she admits, shuffling her feet mid-step, and glances sideways up at you, apologetic. "I thought... it'd be good to let you be whoever you wanted to be. After so many things... that you deserved at least that much."

You pause your stride, and look down at her for a moment, because...

...for a moment, there's something very familiar about her expression.⁶⁸ Even with that, though—

—even so, there's a warm feeling, too.

You take a sip of your coffee, and give her a smile, after you realize you've forgotten to say anything in return. "...thanks," you say. "Really. I mean it. And—at least so far, I can say—I'm glad I'm here. With you, and with everyone."

She ducks her head, flushing slightly. "I'm really glad," she says. "With everyone, here... It makes everything brighter. There are some things we can't do by ourselves, after all."

"But it's not like we do them for their own sake," you say, after a moment, glancing out the bulkhead windows.⁶⁹ The wide world out there, that maybe, someday, will be a little better, with a lot of work.

She brightens. "Right! Rhodes Island... we always press forward, no matter what the dark clouds bring." Her hands clasp behind her back as she walks along beside you. "And no matter how many terrible stories unfold across the world... I'll always believe in the warmth in your heart."

You pause, for a long moment. You think about everything that you know—about who you were, who you are.⁷⁰ Who you could be.⁷¹ "Amiya," you say. "What will you do if I'm actually bad?"

She doesn't hesitate. "Then I'll have to stop you myself," she says. But in spite of that—her serious expression breaks back into a smile, and she loops her small arm through yours.⁷² "Welcome home, Doctor."

And then, finally, you allow yourself a grin in earnest, and reach over to ruffle her hair lightly.

"Hi, Amiya," you say. You're home.

[59] Popukar still calls you "Doctor Jan," to your amusement, and you get to meet a lot of the other kids; she's getting along better with the rest of them, and they're all cute. If sometimes rowdy and liable to pull on your feathers.

[60] Which in its novelty nearly makes you trip over your own feet. You're still getting used to it.

[61] All right, well, if Amiya didn't know before, she certainly does now, but—this time, you've got less reason to be surreptitious, anyway.

[62] Even as grown-up as she acts, she's still a little delicate about romance...

[63] This one is clearly from a child's craft project, with a scribbled figure intended to look like Kal'tsit surrounded by doodles of bandages and hearts surrounding her.

[64] There's a little nervous undertone, but she's also just so—clearly, delightedly happy that you can't help but feel a little warmed by it. It's not bad to have someone rooting for you, perhaps.

[65] You don't know what place you occupied in her life before, for her to be so glad, but you know that you want to be the kind of person who deserves that.

[66] Because, as self-deprecating as it sounds, it's not as if you lack past precedent. Every day of your life is just trying to do that person you were at least one better.

[67] Bless her for being the kind of person who you know will always mean what she says.

[68] You're not even sure what, but... something twists in your chest, like the dull ache of grief.

[69] They're open, and the clouds from earlier in the day have broken; it's a blue sky, over the barrens.

[70] Just one more soul in this world. Dr. Lau, Zhanchi, someone who is and was lonely, who held a deep sorrow, who is trying a little harder every day.

[71] Someone, maybe, who can be more to this world than worth the harm.

[72] For once, you're sure that the weight on your heart isn't eased because Amiya is taking it away from you; no, it's because even though all is not well, and there are many things ahead of you and too many lost and broken behind—there will always be dawn ahead that you'll face together.

Clean Radio Edit:

• Kal'tsit's still mad, but things have changed just enough. Dr. Lau can accept that.
• Dr. Lau has something she's working herself up to saying, but settles for "You're stuck with me," and Kal'tsit says she'll hold her to it.