veryroundbirdfics | Arknights | Hand in Unlovable Hand, Chapter 1

Rating: Spicy
Chapter: 1/28
Characters: Doctor (F), Kal'tsit, Amiya, various others
Relationships: Doctor/Kal'tsit, Kal'tsit/Theresa, Theresa/Doctor
Summary: Dr. Lau returns to Rhodes Island a stranger in a strange land, in a labyrinth of things that feel like they should be familiar but aren't—and at the center is Dr. Kal'tsit and all the things she's not saying. Even if amnesia's changed her, though, the Doctor wouldn't be the Doctor if she didn't have an impulse to solve for the missing variable.
Notes: while this fic is marked as "spicy" the only actual sexual content is in chapters 8, 9, 17, 23 and 27, and there's cliff notes for the scenes at the bottom of the chapter. sexual content is noted in the start of chapters where it appears.

Here is what you know:

December 23rd is significant to you, somehow.¹
Your name is Dr. Lau Zhanchi.²
You are in fact actually a medical doctor, in neurology.³
You are also apparently some kind of master military tactician.⁴
The people surrounding you are operators of an organization you belong to (pharmaceutical company?⁵) called Rhodes Island.
You—and most of your escort—have a degenerative disease called Oripathy, that left untreated would slowly crystallize your bodies and kill you.⁶ You've been receiving some kind of medical treatment here.⁷
You are in a nomadic city called Chernobog that is shortly about to get completely deleted off the map due to natural disaster, or more precisely, a Catastrophe, the earth-shaking events that accompany the spread of the mineral Originium.

You remember nothing else. Or, rather, the only thing you remember—what was left in your head when they roused you—was that date, and you have no idea why. All you can do is trust what they tell you, because what else do you have to go off of?

They're not precisely forthcoming, as a whole, which one could chalk up to the state of emergency—they have better things to do than give you the rundown of basic facts.⁸ It's their young leader, Amiya, who you find yourself relying on for answers, the Cautus girl with the bright blue eyes and the soft smile who greets you warmly, and explains patiently the answers to whatever you ask without making you feel entirely stupid.

She's kind, and she's clever, and the others would follow her anywhere.⁹ You don't know why she wants you to take command. Surely they don't need you just for this. But you can also tell that even if some of them are wary of you—they're all watching you. And at least for the moment, they're all willing to put their lives in your hands.

Therefore, you have to do your best to not make them regret it.

In the end, you're genuinely not sure what else you should have done—if you could have saved Ace, or Guard, or Medic. Or if there was anything you could have done for that other team.¹⁰ You're supposed to be a genius.¹¹

In the end, you're all quiet by the time you reach the landship.

[1] When you look up Amiya's personnel file later, you'll be very alarmed.

[2] Personal name Zhanchi, family name Lau. You will later learn that the name implies your origins in the country of Yen, probably from Lungmen; thankfully you will be saved from the embarrassment of having to ask where that is by being on the border between Yen and Ursus and having that covered in a briefing.

[3] If you remembered any of your education in this field you'd probably be having some really exciting revelations about the nature of cognition and memory.

[4] How the fuck does someone end up both a neurologist and a battlefield commander?

[5] This is the most suspicious pharmaceutical company you've ever heard of. Not that you can think of any others at the moment, but still, isn't that suspicious?

[6] Upon inspecting yourself in the few minutes you have before they thrust a heavy coat into your hands, you observe that there is a significant amount of striation on your upper chest and neck, and the sides of your midsection—lines of solid, shiny, hard black that feels like stone. You are told, also, that due to your liberi biology, this may cause sleep disorders including narcolepsy, and as such to notify your escort if you're feeling adverse effects.
It doesn't precisely hurt, but it's a little unsettling, and you can feel the way it compresses your lungs slightly, making it just that much harder to exert yourself. You know, in addition to the muscle atrophy from cryogenic sleep. How long have you been out? One more question to add to your pile.

[7] Probably. You think. This doesn't strictly look like a medical facility?

[8] You could chalk it up to the state of emergency. The thing is, watching the way they react to you—the way they move out of your way naturally, the way none of them quite meet your eyes—it takes you a while to put together the emotion. They're afraid of you. They know you, and respect you—but there's not a fondness there.

[9] They respect you—but they love her, your Rhodes Island operators. She commands their hearts in a way that you're quite sure you'd find hard to match.
But—she doesn't just respect you. For some reason—and you don't know why—Amiya looks at you with genuine care rooted deeper than the kind one would have for a former colleague or respected commander. You don't know who you'd look at like that, or if you ever could. But something about her makes you want to be able to return it.

[10] What that Sarkaz woman said—"I'm quite curious, what charm do you hold over them... so that they'd give their lives so enthusiastically and unremorsefully for you?" and "Are you really... worth sacrificing their lives over?"—maybe she was saying them to Amiya, but somehow, you feel like they were meant for you, too.

[11] You're genius enough to know that Amiya blames herself. How old is she, even? But these people—they were all here not because of her. They were here because of you. The thought leaves a hollow pit at the bottom of your stomach.

The way things feel brand-new, jarring, and yet almost tantalizingly familiar is, in a way, a welcome distraction. You hardly even listen to the debriefing, which is fine.¹² No one asks anything of you, and Amiya handles it with perfect professionalism.

Dr. Kal'tsit sighs, rubbing her temples on the other side of the video call.¹³ "No word of Dr. Lau's condition leaves this room," she says. "Not until we have a plan in place about how to handle it. But under the circumstances—we couldn't have anticipated Reunion taking advantage of the Catastrophe to take over Chernobog. You all did an admirable job."

Amiya is still a little subdued, but smiles.¹⁴ "Thank you, Dr. Kal'tsit."

"Please see the medical department for an evaluation before you go about the rest of the day—you're excused from normal duties."

You move to turn off the call so that you can follow the rest of them, but—

"Not you, Dr. Lau. If I might have a moment, before you go on to see Dr. Warfarin."

The office empties out behind you as you turn slowly on the ball of your foot to face the screen again; Amiya throws you one last reassuring look with a tight smile before she vanishes with the rest of them.¹⁵

Kal'tsit isn't the sort to mince words. "No games. What happened?"

"Uh—" It takes you a moment to collect yourself enough to speak properly.¹⁶ "Um. You'd like, er—me to do a debriefing as well…?"

"No. I trust Amiya's record of events. What do you remember?"¹⁷

It takes a while for you to put it together in your head, what you feel like is the correct answer. "Very little. All I woke up with was… a significant calendar date. Some things feel familiar, but I don't remember why. I know that you knew me, and we were close, but that's not something I remember, just what my impressions tell me. What you've told me without saying it, I suppose."

There's a pregnant pause,¹⁸ and then she snorts. "You're losing your touch."

"What?"

"We were never really close."¹⁹ She turns back to her desk, waving a hand at you in dismissal. "Go see Dr. Warfarin in medical, and then visit Closure—"

She stops, pauses.²⁰ "Closure, the Head of Engineering, also our quartermaster. Don't let her make you pay for anything."²¹

"N...oted." You pause. "Is it too much to say—"

"Yes."

"—well, I can understand why you didn't approve of the mission.²² Even without the factor of the sudden Catastrophe—it was dangerous. Political implications, probably, if they were caught, and you didn't know what state I'd be in. I might, oh, have lost all my memories and become useless for any purpose, for example." You pause, again. "And you don't want me back here."

She stiffens, almost imperceptibly. "What gave you that impression, Dr. Lau?"

You think for a second, and then force a half-smile onto your face. "Well, just that look on your face is giving me heart palpitations."²³

Finally you've caught her off-guard, and she looks—torn between being flabbergasted, and a sort of bemusement, like she can't believe she heard that come out of your mouth. She doesn't quite laugh, but there's a little tug at the corner of her mouth²⁴ as she shakes her head and looks back to one of her other monitors—a dismissal. "See to it that you get that looked at, then."

She ends the call, and you leave. But you still feel like you're being watched.

[12] It's not the operators you're watching, this time. The white-haired feline woman across the desk, Dr. Kal'tsit… you can't take your eyes off of her. She feels like a word balanced on the tip of your tongue. When you entered the room, too—you're sure of one thing: she knew you well. She knew you the best of anyone you've met so far.
She got the news about your memory before you arrived, and there's a strange mixture of disappointment, grief, hope, and relief under the stony facade that she keeps on her face. Her eyes keep drifting to the way you tied your hair—a messy side bun, to the right of your face, lingering there. You wonder if that means you used to wear it like that, or if you didn't.

[13] Your eyes trace the lines of her face, down her jaw, the curve of her neck—the other reason you can't take your eyes off her is, in fact… oh no. She's hot.

[14] It's like watching someone get coveted maternal praise, in a way; you file that away as interesting to know.

[15] You almost wish she'd stayed. There's something reassuring about her presence—like an anchor keeping you from drifting off too far to sea.

[16] Baby's first nonverbal episode. Thanks, you hate it.

[17] She thinks you're lying. Another data point. It is possible past you might have been an asshole.

[18] The way she looks at you—she's turning a decision over in her head. What to do, what to say. Instinctively, you tense.

[19] It… stings, somehow, to hear that. Is that some kind of lingering reaction from how you felt about her before, or just the ache of rejection in the here and now?
But then again, you're pretty sure she's the one who's lying, here.

[20] Someone else you knew, then, based on that slip of expected familiarity.

[21] She absolutely tries to get you to pay for it.

[22] Because you're sure she didn't. She would rather not be doing this debriefing at all; she doesn't want you here.

[23] Two can play at this game of being a cagey fucko, Kal'tsit!

[24] Unfortunately it makes her even more attractive. You're not going to say that you've learned that you have unfortunate taste, but couldn't you have picked someone who doesn't kind of wish you were dead?

SUBJ: Medical Evaluation - Dr. Lau Zhanchi
TO: Dr. Kal'tsit <kt@med.rhodesisland.org>
FROM: Dr. Gavial <gv@med.rhodesisland.org>

Yo, Dr. Kal'tsit!

Finished up the medical exam for the Doc after Dr. Warfarin had to be removed from the case. She can get really lively still, even though she's an old geezer, huh?

Dr. Lau's infection hasn't progressed past what her old files had noted down, so whatever treatment she was getting seems to have stabilized it. Striation notable on skin, some internal damage and lesions causing pressure on organs. She's not in great shape, but that's the kind of thing that we can fix if we get her set up with a personal trainer, and that'll improve her prognosis going forward.

I'm not going to ask about the scarring on her stomach and chest that's obviously a combat injury, since I know that's the kinda thing where you pretend you're going to answer and don't, but it's healed over fine. No permanent damage to circulatory or gastrointestinal. Bloodstream crystal density on the high side, but that's nothing we didn't know, and it's still at a treatable level.

Regarding your questions: Dr. Lau's blood samples indicated a level of cortisol consistent with being under extreme stress, which tracks with the experience of being thrust into a dangerous situation with no memories. As such, I think we can trust her testimony there. Ability to retain new information seems up to standard and even excellent after putting her through a battery of tests, so I think we can categorize this as retrograde amnesia with the hope of some eventual recall.

Speaking of which, I put her on some anti-anxiety medication as a trial. We don't have any old psych evals on file for her, but based on your notes, it's unusual for her to be having panic attacks post-combat. She seems to be having some problems with emotional regulation and coping with guilt, so it's my professional recommendation that she shouldn't see field work until she clears two weekly check-ins.

Anyway, it sounds like it was a wild time out there. Tell Amiya to take me next time!

Dr. Gavial