Arknights | Hand in Unlovable Hand, Chapter 19

[veryroundbird]

Rating: Spicy
Chapter: 19/28
Characters: Doctor (F), Kal'tsit, Amiya, various others
Relationships: Doctor/Kal'tsit, Kal'tsit/Theresa, Theresa/Doctor
Summary: Dr. Lau returns to Rhodes Island a stranger in a strange land, in a labyrinth of things that feel like they should be familiar but aren't—and at the center is Dr. Kal'tsit and all the things she's not saying. Even if amnesia's changed her, though, the Doctor wouldn't be the Doctor if she didn't have an impulse to solve for the missing variable.
Notes: while this fic is marked as "spicy" the only actual sexual content is in chapters 8, 9, 17, 23 and 27, and there's cliff notes for the scenes at the bottom of the chapter. sexual content is noted in the start of chapters where it appears.

---

The worst part is that Kal'tsit is right back to business as usual, once you're mostly on your feet, calm as she pleases. She walks off, briskly, leaving you alone in the maintenance vestibule of Chernobog's underbelly.¹

Of course she's going to make it weird.² Of course she is. You scrub your hands over your face, trying to get your wits back about you. Breathing in to an eight count; breathing out again, until your heart stops hammering quite so much in your chest and your hands unclench a little bit.³

Why can't she just let you write her off entirely?⁴

It's tempting to fold in on yourself and tuck yourself into a corner, here, but you're pretty sure if you do that you won't be able to pull together the will to get up again.⁵ So: you take one last deep breath, scream into your hands a little bit, and drag yourself off to go in search of the rest of the group.

The walk down the dingy corridors of the Chernobog core city feels long for its emptiness, and your stomach lurches slightly from the city picking up speed—toward Lungmen, toward ruin for both cities and war for both countries.⁶ There's enough time on the clock, but you suspect it will be far, far too close for comfort anyway.

And Kal'tsit is your combat support for this whole endeavor.⁷ Great.

It's a little surprising when you lug yourself to the next waypoint and reluctantly elbow your way through the crowd of operators to find her there waiting for you, even so.⁸

"It took me fucking forever to find you," you mutter.

She doesn't dignify that with a response.⁹ "It'll benefit you to hear going on inside Chernobog's core city," she begins, without preamble, keeping her eyes fixed on her tablet screen.¹⁰ "Amiya's a bit tied up on the scene, so she won't be able to join this discussion. You've already read the information in the mission briefing, but that kind of information isn't good enough for a mind like yours."¹¹

You look askance at her, wary, and scrub at your face slightly, self-conscious. "So. You finally decided you have a use for me?"¹²

"Hm." She makes a noncommittal noise in the back of her throat, studies you,¹³ and then looks back down, never quite meeting your eyes.¹⁴ "If the worst comes to pass, I don't want you to sacrifice yourself while still not knowing a single thing."

"That's—" Not what you expected her to say.¹⁵ You shake your head, and quirk one corner of your mouth upwards. "If I didn't know better, I'd think that was you seeing me as more than a simple battlefield commander."

Kal'tsit snorts. "You might not remember, but I do. I remember you had quite a talent for heating up rations by pouring boiling water directly into your mouth at four in the morning."¹⁶

You sputter, mouth hanging open.¹⁷ "I'm sorry?"

"If you don't believe me, you can try for yourself, sometime."

"Number one, I do not believe you, and number two, I am not trying that,¹⁸ number three, why were you awake at oh-four hundred—"

She snorts. "Let's skip the chatter, though. We don't have much time."¹⁹ Her face doesn't even change expressions as she switches gears again. "Amiya reported to me that you had a difficult fight with a 'FrostNova,' an Infected serving Reunion as leader of a special squad, in the bowels of Lungmen. The battle ended in your victory."

Oh.

"Dr. Lau," she says, after a long moment,²⁰ and you squeeze your eyes shut briefly before opening them again, looking down at your hands.

"I wouldn't call that a victory," you say, dully.

She clucks her tongue lightly. "According to the data from PRTS, you had the cooperation of our operators when you brought the enemy's body²¹ back to Rhodes Island for treatment."

You hunch your shoulders slightly, crossing your arms over your waist; your mouth twists, unhappily.²² "I don't consider her an enemy."

"Dr. Lau," she says, looking at you sharply,²³ "distinguish your friends from your foes."²⁴

You can feel a snappish response boiling up in your throat when she looks away, and adds, more quietly: "...ah, no. You might get the wrong idea, but..." She glances back at you.²⁵ "Please hear me out."

The pivot disarms you a little bit;²⁶ you take a long, deep breath, and then just strug, gesturing for her to go on.

"I'm not trying to blame you," she says, and there's a surprising gentleness to it.²⁷ "Amiya told me what happened—only those who were there at the time had the information to decide what to do." She sighs, and shifts on her feet a little bit. "I don't have the right to overreach and criticize your judgment.²⁸ You tried to understand her motives. You were willing to bear the consequences for the things she, FrostNova, did."

You lift your chin, slightly, lips parted like you intend to speak; you're not sure what to say. You're not sure if you should say anything.

"If you plan to use this method to make sense of the suffering in this world," Kal'tsit goes on, looking away down the hallway,²⁹ "I have no reason to blame you. I'll even vouch for you before the operators of Rhodes Island."

That's... really, very different from earlier. You're not imagining this, are you? "...Why?" you ask, distantly, rocking back on your heels slightly to lean against the metal wall, grime be damned.³⁰

She just shakes her head, shifting slightly on her feet, and turns her chin up to meet your eyes.³¹ "For the record, Dr. Lau, 'distinguish your enemies from your friends' were your words, not mine."³²

You stand there for a long moment, watching her, eyes narrowed.³³ "That's... a weird way of saying you agree with me?"

"Hmph." She huffs, and looks away, tucking some hair behind her ear. "I never said that."

"...duly noted."³⁴ You run a hand backwards through your already-mussed, grimy hair, trying to shake it into a slightly tidier shape.³⁵ "So—I know you're going somewhere with this, still."

"Right." Her mouth thins into a line, and her voice gets crisply professional again.³⁶ "There's two more elite forces that Reunion can still mobilize here in Chernobog, after what happened in Lungmen."

"Mm—one of them is the guerillas of the Northwest Tundra," you say automatically, without even thinking about it.³⁷ "Patriot's men."

Kal'tsit tilts her head at you, and there's a little bit of genuine surprise in her expression.³⁸ "Yes, actually," she says. "I'm not sure where you learned that piece of information, Doctor, but color me impressed." She nods to herself, slightly, as if having to admit it to herself. "Though that piece of information itself is fairly basic, I am relieved that you're able to proactively gather intel on your own."

You just raise an eyebrow at her.³⁹ "What was that you said about chatter?" you say, archly.

"I only give you what you deserve," says Kal'tsit, dry, waving a hand dismissively.⁴⁰ "But yes. Their prestige was higher among the Infected than even Reunion's, once upon a time, and they used to be part of the mighty Ursus military."

"Formidable," you murmur.⁴¹

"Extremely," she says. "The other component, the Sarkaz mercenary forces led by the one known as 'W,'⁴² shouldn't be underestimated—but they're unreliable. The Guerillas are our primary concern, entering the city, as they're a highly-trained and experienced military force who have utmost loyalty to their commander."

"Cool." You scrub your hands over your face.⁴³ "Cool cool cool. Well, I've managed with less to go on. Anything else I should know?"

She lets out a little huff of breath, and her expression darkens. "Communications networks have been forcibly cut off within the core city. Either Reunion has a special way of communicating, or they're not prepared for a fight."⁴⁴

You pinch the bridge of your nose.⁴⁵ "My money's on the former."

"I'd say the same, based on what we saw in Chernobog a month ago," Kal'tsit says, eyes narrowed, mouth bowing downwards into even more of a frown. "But we can expect their squads to be operating largely independently. What worries me is..." She taps a finger idly against her tablet. "I suspect, then, that the rank and file doesn't know what their leadership is planning, and what signals the city cannot receive—such as the ones that mark the borders of Ursus."

She gives a terse sigh. "They're a step ahead of me, and the seeds of ruin have already been sown."⁴⁶

To your credit, you bite back a remark about that being how you feel all the time. "Your conclusion?"

This time, she makes eye contact with you: "Conflict is brewing withing Reunion."

You meet her eyes briefly⁴⁷ before looking away to mull that over—and think about your conversations with FrostNova, before nodding, slowly. "You're right. And unfortunately I can't imagine that's a good thing, anymore."⁴⁸

She gives you an odd look, like she wants to ask why you would say that with such confidence,⁴⁹ but sighs. "I've said pretty much everything I needed to say. As for the rest, we'll cross those bridges when we get to them."

"Mm." You massage your temples aggressively, and groan, but nod. That's probably true, that there's a lot of bridges you can cross when you come to them—or later, for that matter; you just have to get through today.⁵⁰

Kal'tsit nods, satisfied. "Help me notify Team R-4, then—they'll need these devices."

She gestures with her foot, and it takes you a moment to recognize what you're seeing.⁵¹ "That's—that's Operator Rosmontis's equipment."

"Is there a problem?" She looks at you, in a studying way,⁵² and you realize that now is, additionally, a really inconvenient time to have it out about about the minimum age of Rhodes Island operators. "You seem to know more about her than I thought."

"I saw her getting ready to fight..." Dread starts to re-settle in the pit of your stomach,⁵³ although you can't name exactly why. "I didn't... go along, though. I was assured it was in hand."

There's a long pause, and Kal'tsit's mouth thins, pressed tight in a concerned kind of way.⁵⁴ "In this upcoming battle, you may make some shocking discoveries, then," she says, finally.

"Um—" You frown, unsure if you should ask.

She looks at you again, very seriously, and your blood runs cold from the kind of gravity in her expression. "Make sure you're ready for it."

[1] The place creaks and groans like the belly of some kind of great, unhappy beast, so provides some truly good sound effects for how you're feeling right about now.

[2] Couldn't have done things straightforwardly and just told you, couldn't have assigned someone else—

[3] For a moment, the fleeting memory of hands laced in yours while counting like this, and a hot flush of shame; you hate the fact that you're sure it would be easier if she was here.

[4] You just want to know what to expect. You're so tired.

[5] And you can't just check out; it's not even that you think they need you, so much as... you want to prove yourself, maybe. Prove that your existence is worth all the sacrifices made to sustain it.

[6] The amount that's riding on this mission makes you feel a little ill on top of the motion sickness, honestly. If you fail, that's so much blood ready to be spilled. You can only hope, if you fail, you'll be dead.

[7] Surely there was some operator who'd tolerate your presence for that long.

[8] Not a hair out of place, tail swishing lightly under her coat, calm-faced. Meanwhile you probably look like you dragged yourself up from the grave.

[9] Probably for the best.

[10] You can't tell if she's avoiding eye contact or not. You'd say you're good at reading people, but she's... difficult.

[11] ...surely if she was going to imply that you'd need an extra briefing due to being an idiot she'd come out and say it, right? It's not like she's been trying to spare your feelings.

[12] You're... getting there, with being able to interact with her at least neutrally.

[13] Not really in a searching way—no, there's something... a little bit of worry in her expression, you think. But about what, you're not sure.

[14] Come to think of it—she doesn't make eye contact with you that often, unless she's being very urgent or she's trying to piss you off. (Or checking you for concussions.) Maybe she noticed you find it uncomfortable.

[15] You're not sure what you expected, but that was... surprising. Though, you wouldn't have thought she'd characterize you as the sort of person to sacrifice yourself, which... begs the question what, in the past, gave her that idea.

[16] Ah. So, to translate: "I also see you as a total fucking disaster clown." You can't say she's wrong about that, exactly.

[17] But—since when does she joke?

[18] Although it would be a real lifehack for time if it worked, now that you think about it...

[19] Of course you don't get to interrogate her about her own poor habits.

[20] You think it was a moment or so, anyway?

[21] You wince, very visibly. Something about hearing it (her) described that way—it hollows you out inside.

[22] You think about her fingers just brushing your face; and how, in that last moment, she was warm. You think about how probably, from the moment you met her, her life was ticking down a very short countdown to midnight. Is she the first person you would call "friend" in this short life of yours?

[23] Direct and intentional eye contact—she's trying to make a point to you.

[24] Something about that phrase rings familiar, even as your recoil from it.

[25] Now that you're watching for it—this time, she looks a little to the side of you, almost looking at you. Maybe she is avoiding it for your sake, most of the time.

[26] You're not sure where she's going with this, but—you're willing to at least give it a try. Just this once.

[27] It's gentle enough that it makes your heart ache, just a little bit.

[28] Damned if those aren't words you never thought you'd hear her say, because you were pretty sure she was criticizing your judgment literally all the time, but—she seems genuine enough, in her manner. It's surprisingly close to an apology.

[29] There's something... sad, about her profile, about the distant look in her eyes. Just for a moment, you wish she'd accept comfort from you. You know she won't.

[30] You're probably already disgusting and covered in sand and sweat and sadness. What can it hurt.

[31] For a moment, you can almost entertain the absurd fantasy that she might lean up on the balls of her feet to kiss you.

[32] First of all, what the fuck; second of all—holy shit, you have so many questions and you're entirely certain she's going to refuse to answer any of them if you ask. What the fuck did you mean by that, past self?

[33] That distracting revelation aside, all of this is collecting into a conclusion that you're not sure you believe, in spite of the evidence.

[34] She's definitely agreeing with you, though. You'll file that one away to be privately smug about on cold nights to come.

[35] It's futile.

[36] You're so envious of her ability to do that, honestly. How did she learn it?

[37] Not least because you've been turning it over in your head—the fact that, more likely than not, you're going to have to face Patriot, eventually, when his daughter died in your arms.

[38] Small victory, but you'll take it.

[39] Is that really necessary?

[40] There's almost the tiniest suggestion of a smile at the corner of her mouth. A part of you would let her dunk on your all day to get to see her actually smile, unfortunately.

[41] You're trying to keep panic down and not preemptively freak yourself out about having to square off with them. Mixed results, really.

[42] That one makes you nervous, the young woman who always seems to watch you a little too closely, when you cross paths.

[43] It's only ten-hundred and you're fucking exhausted.

[44] Rule of thumb: it's always the one that will be more inconvenient to you, personally.

[45] You think through why they'd bother—there's plenty of reasons. Reducing communication among local population to prevent any resistance, for one thing; for another thing, preventing a distress call. The question is what their backup is.

[46] She's always got to be so dramatic with her phrasing, huh.

[47] You want her to know that you're acknowledging, at least, and taking her seriously.

[48] Maybe a week or two ago, maybe even a couple days ago, you might have; not anymore, though. Not after the way FrostNova talked about the people of Reunion; not after the way she spoke about Talulah as a friend. If Reunion is splintering, it's... a bitter victory, for the Infected.

[49] And she can keep guessing until she asks you directly, because you can keep a few things as trade secrets, too.

[50] Which is, unfortunately, probably going to be a tough one.

[51] Long metal boxes, with a sort of hilt at one end—

[52] Not like she's trying to divine some secrets from your expression, exactly—more just watching your reaction.

[53] You'll have to hand in your science prize for solving anxiety.

[54] You'd think it was a bit sweet if it didn't fill you with dread that she's concerned.

---

You are not ready for it.

You don't even remember what you say to Kal'tsit, that gets her to put her hand on your shoulder as you hold yourself upright by supporting your palms on your knees;⁵⁵ you're unable to tear your eyes away from the bloody scene and from Rosmontis's terrible armaments.

What you remember is her saying, "You have a question. Ask."

It takes you a long moment to squeeze more words from your throat; when you do, they're shaky. "How old is she," you manage.⁵⁶ It's gotten quiet, finally; this brings you no comfort.

"Fourteen," Kal'tsit says, quietly.⁵⁷

You jerk your head up at her, furious.⁵⁸ "And you're letting her—"

But Rosmontis and Amiya have turned your direction, from the field of battle; Amiya already has worried creases in her forehead, seeing you, and Rosmontis—

"Doctor," she says, her voice no longer full of that furious intensity.⁵⁹ "Did you call me?"

You hadn't. You set the questions that raises aside.⁶⁰ "Who sent you out to fight?" you demand, shakily.

Amiya turns toward you, opening her mouth like she's going to say something, looking a little stricken.⁶¹ You grit your teeth. "Who sent you here?"

"Doctor!" Amiya cuts in, but you cut her off, this time.⁶²

"Why would they let you do this," you grit out. "It's not right—"

"I did," says Rosmontis, suddenly.⁶³ "I chose to fight." She pauses, and then, reaches out to pat you on the shoulder. "I want to fight."

She doesn't quite smile, but there's a little slight change to her expression that might, in your head, mean the same thing as one.⁶⁴ "There are some feelings I can only experience on the battlefield,"⁶⁵ she says, levelly. "The world is calling my name, to prevent more people like me from coming into it."

[55] It helps. Even so.

[56] The question that's been weighing on you since that meeting in the bioprocessing unit.

[57] Even though you immediately feel a bolt of white-hot anger through your chest, there's a wretched ache to the way she says it that you'll have to unpack later.

[58] You knew the answer would piss you off! You knew and you still asked! You cannot look away, because—shit, she might die today. Anyone here might die. You are so fucking tired of having the blood of children on your hands.

[59] When she spoke before, greeted you briefly, and then turned back to the enemies on the battlefield—she doesn't have very strong affect in her tone, but there was a terrible and towering rage in her small voice that almost made you doubt you were speaking to the same person.

[60] Maybe she's no mind-reader, but... you're really wondering about the scope of her Arts.

[61] Not on Rosmontis's behalf, you realize, but... yours.

[62] Amiya, you can accept to a degree as CEO of Rhodes Island and in being a little older than Rosmontis, but—even so. Even so, shouldn't you be able to be responsible for both of them?

[63] She speaks quietly, flatly, but so firmly that both you and everyone around you fall silent.

[64] In some respects, you think, you're quite similar.

[65] That's true, but perhaps what makes the two of you quite different is that you'd very happily not experience those.

---

"Here you are," says Kal'tsit.

You're not precisely surprised she found you, but you did kind of shove yourself into a side utility corridor to be a little unfindable.⁶⁶ Her eyes shine brightly in the low light in a way that's just a little unsettling.⁶⁷

"Ah," you say, looking up at her even though you feel like your head is having to work to hold itself up. "You found me, this time."

Kal'tsit huffs, quietly, and leans against the wall next to you, folding her arms across her chest.⁶⁸

"...She uses heavy machinery to quickly and effectively destroy the enemy, while at the same time exhibiting astonishing self-control and adaptiveness," she begins, without further preamble. Her voice, for once, is quiet—almost soft, without the lecturer's tone that you so often hear from her.⁶⁹ "Rosmontis is one of Rhodes Island's greatest annihilation specialists. As such, the way she treats people and the way she speaks may worry you. The way she fights and its contrast with her appearance... is indeed very cruel."

You thunk your head back against the wall. "I think I understand her well enough," you say, quietly.⁷⁰ "It doesn't make it less uncomfortable."

Kal'tsit wets her lips lightly with her tongue. "If it will help you sleep at night, I can make you a promise. If it will help at all."

"Try me."

She takes a deep breath. "Rosmontis has excellent control, like I mentioned," she says. "She can kill, but she won't, if she doesn't have to." A glance down at you: "Can you accept this?"⁷¹

You put your hands over your face. "I don't know," you say, honestly.

"You might not be able to accept the full truth, either," Kal'tsit says, slowly.⁷² "Rosmontis demonstrates the qualities I described because she became an elite operator. But we made our judgment not on whether to send her to battle, but how disastrous the consequences might be if we didn't let her become a fighter like this."

"How—" You inhale sharply.⁷³ "What consequences?"

"Worst case scenario, her Arts leak out from her body and push her to kill, subconsciously or otherwise." Kal'tsit's voice is unusually strained. "When you deprive a human being of her sentience, what is left? What is created? When that creation deprives us of our lives, who is at fault?" She pauses. "The one who created the weapon, the one who used the weapon, or the one we treat as a weapon?"⁷⁴

It's a good question. You just... shrug, slightly, though. You have a feeling you could grapple with that question for the rest of your life.⁷⁵

"By the way, on the issue of her age—" Kal'tsit glances down at you. "Amiya puts on an air of maturity that may have you fooled. Maybe, maybe not. But a young creature known as a deadly weapon won't be seen as an ordinary child just because she looks young.⁷⁶ Not to mention all they've been through."

She's reading you well. You frown, though. "What about Amiya? Is she a weapon, too?"

Kal'tsit regards you for a long moment, her face studiously neutral.⁷⁷ "You can ask her yourself. Come along, now, though. It's time to head to the surface."

You unfold from sitting, and obediently follow, holding in your last questions:

Are you a weapon? Am I?

[66] Let a woman have a few minutes to herself at minimum to freak out, come on.

[67] Although actually it's a little funny, too, even if you're not in a good position to appreciate it. Glow-in-the-dark.

[68] It's somewhat more casual posture than you see her adopt; damn, she must actually be kind of tired, too. That kind of day.

[69] It's... nice. You wouldn't mind hearing her voice like that more often.

[70] And you do actually think so. You can understand grief, and loss, and loss of self, and you wish that neither of you had to understand those things.

[71] Even if you don't feel like you can, for now—you have to, right? You can't walk away from this, and she won't.

[72] Honestly, you're starting to dread anything that she says with a soft touch. The hesitation in her voice isn't borne of guilt, you don't think—but of something that she hates, too, enough that she even hates speaking of it.

[73] You are now quite certain that what Rosmontis is—that's something that was done to her, rather than a manifestation of natural arts twisted by Oripathy. That's the truth that everyone's dancing around, and—you also suspect that Kal'tsit stole another child and also that she was right to do it, yet again.

[74] ...so you were right. You hate being right.

[75] Even if said life lasts significantly longer than the next sixteen hours.

[76] No, she won't; but also, to think of Amiya as a weapon...

[77] The uncomfortable questions rise, unbidden: who uses Amiya? And who created her, and her unusual Arts?