Arknights | Hand in Unlovable Hand, Chapter 14

[veryroundbird]

Rating: Spicy
Chapter: 14/28
Characters: Doctor (F), Kal'tsit, Amiya, various others
Relationships: Doctor/Kal'tsit, Kal'tsit/Theresa, Theresa/Doctor
Summary: Dr. Lau returns to Rhodes Island a stranger in a strange land, in a labyrinth of things that feel like they should be familiar but aren't—and at the center is Dr. Kal'tsit and all the things she's not saying. Even if amnesia's changed her, though, the Doctor wouldn't be the Doctor if she didn't have an impulse to solve for the missing variable.
Notes: while this fic is marked as "spicy" the only actual sexual content is in chapters 8, 9, 17, 23 and 27, and there's cliff notes for the scenes at the bottom of the chapter. sexual content is noted in the start of chapters where it appears.

---

You're starting to get the impression that Blaze does not actually like you, exactly.

Which is not to say that she dislikes you—you know what that looks like, now, after seeing how she reacted to one of the other operators being deployed in downtown Lungmen.¹ It's not that she's prone to running off, because plenty of Rhodes Island operators are enthusiastic in that way without being malicious², but—

You catch up to her, out of breath—and she is not, for once, in a crowd of felled enemies,³ but just... gazing off over the skyline, chainsaw blade scuffing the ground slightly. You can hear her talking—to herself, probably. Unlike every other time you've heard her speak, she's subdued, quiet—bitter.

"Ace,⁴ was some uninfected girl like GreyThroat really worth training?"

A pause, and then: "How much trust did we earn? And how much trust did we give? If the Doctor..."

She hasn't noticed you yet, but it seems like a bad idea to hang out and wait for that; you clear your throat, lightly. "If I what?"

To her credit, she doesn't startle; just looks over her shoulder at you, levelly. "If you don't believe in Rhodes Island, I'll string you up on a lamppost as bait for Reunion."⁵

You make a face, and she grins. "Don't worry—you won't die. A few bolts and a knife or two never hurt anyone."

"I'll pass," you say. "A few bolts and a knife may never have hurt anyone, but Dr. Gavial sure will if I court head injury again."

"Hah." She sighs, and then sighs again, longer and harder. "Did Amiya send you?"⁶

"Mm." You pause, and huff out a dry chuckle with what breath you've recovered. "Maybe she thought you'd get too far ahead otherwise."

"What, to hold me back? Haha!" She hefts the chainsaw like a child's toy.⁷ I could carry three of you on my back and I wouldn't even notice. One little Dr. Zhanchi⁸ can't hold me back."

Her smile flickers for a moment. "I swear, I keep trying to remind her, to get her thinking about how she's still just a kid... it always seems to have the opposite effect."

"I'll do my best not to hold you back on that account, either. You—" You stick your hands in your pockets, looking down at your feet. "You were on assignment elsewhere when Chernobog happened?"⁹

The smile disappears entirely. "Yeah. I'm on solo missions a lot—just got to see 'em off." She tucks some of her unruly black hair back over her shoulder. "They said you were worth it, Doc. 'Worth as much as Amiya and Kal'tsit,' in Ace's words."¹⁰

"I see." You draw your mouth into a thin line. "I know I'm a poor replacement."

"Yeah, well," she says, looking away. "Everyone makes a shit replacement for anyone else.¹¹ Any elite operator here knows that. And anyway—look over there."

Raised voices, a scuffle between the L.G.D. and panicked members of Reunion—which means your quiet time is up.

"Give me a path," says Blaze.

"Preferences...?"

"The fastest, of course!" she says, and unceremoniously scoops you up and onto her shoulders, piggyback-style,¹² before glancing back at you. "Don't give me that look. It's not like I've never carried you before."¹³

"Yeah, yeah," you say, and shake your head. "All right, on my mark."

[1] What the fuck did GreyThroat say to her, anyway?

[2] See also Dr. Gavial, who, getting a rare opportunity to crack some skulls, is doing just that.

[3] Why are you constantly surrounded by scary people.

[4] Ah. How many of her squadmates did she lose on your account?

[5] She's joking but she's definitely not joking.

[6] That little twinge of worry in her expression—like the tacit understanding you had when she was hauling Amiya back from trying to rescue you, the previous day.

[7] You have really got to avoid getting on her bad side.

[8] ...she must have listened to Amiya talking about you a lot, huh. It's funny, hearing that come out of her mouth when you associate your first name with a certain level of familiarity.
You wonder if Kal'tsit told her about you, if she's that familiar with Amiya. Well—people can dislike you on your own merits, you don't have to be obsessed with Kal'tsit's opinion, but. Well.

[9] Because you didn't meet her there, and—that's the expression of someone who's used to being able to turn the tides having the situation entirely out of her hands.

[10] She doesn't continue, but there's a clear judgment in it: you're obviously not.

[11] In a way, that's comforting, you think. It's also very much not.

[12] You try not to yelp embarrassingly and bite your tongue in the process.

[13] Literally, because she carried you to the aircraft last time, and also probably metaphorically. Definitely metaphorically.

---

You've not yet developed a tendency toward motion sickness but after a few hours of running around the city carried by Blaze, you wonder if you might develop one.

But true to her word, she carries you the whole way, even when the situation gets... worse. She explains to you that part of the situation she was called to deal with earlier, while you were having a xanax nap,¹⁴ was to deal with Mephisto and originium-implanted soldiers-turned-mindless shambling herd of walking infection.¹⁵ Now they're all over the city, aiming for as many civilians as they can—

"A last-ditch attempt to cause distraction so that they can escape," you say, frowning.¹⁶ "Still, though—"

"Still, fucked up, right?"¹⁷ Blaze snorts. "I can't stand this. And he's a kid, too; who taught him shit like that, anyway?"

You glance at her, sideways. "There's too many kids out here."

Blaze doesn't quite make eye contact, but gives you a half-smile.¹⁸ "At least you understand that much."

Which is not a feeling that goes away, at all, when you spot the dark-haired, sallow pythian kid attached to Mephisto's unit taking his snipers in the direction of the herd, shoulders squared in resigned determination.¹⁹

"Rhodes Island's mission in this battle is to reduce the friction between the Infected and uninfected people, to prevent clashes!" Amiya had ordered, over the comms. "We are Rhodes Island! No matter what else we carry into battle!"

You look at Blaze. Blaze looks at you.²⁰

"We're here," she says. "Let's go."

You squint at her. "This is the highest point in the district, if I'm not mistaken."

She shrugs, stretches from side to side, and gestures. "You know what they say. The shortest distance between two points is a straight line, and you know I like the fast route."²¹ A pause. "And I hear you like efficient."

"Do I...?" you murmur. "I don't know."

"I didn't think the person Ace respected this much would be this kind of wishy-washy person."²²

It takes you a while to compose an answer, and she waits—like she wants to hear what you say, before she takes you into combat.²³

"Just keep wondering what I can do to justify how many people have died for me," you say, finally. "And if there's anything I can do to keep those debts from increasing."

She gives you a long hard look over her shoulder, and the last thing she says before she jumps is:

"Well, hope you're prepared to pay your own tab."

[14] You woke up to a serious crick in your neck and the Bad Guy's pilot nudging you and handing you a cup of coffee, bless him.

[15] You wouldn't believe it except it's coming from Blaze; you know well enough already she wouldn't call any Infected monsters unless she meant it literally.

[16] Honestly, you kind of wish you could just let them all get out of here, if they want, but Lungmen is loathe to do so, it seems.

[17] Understatement of the year, but how the hell else would one put it?

[18] Mirthless. You're both thinking of Amiya, surely, but she calls the shots around here, so you can hardly keep her from the front lines.

[19] It feels like watching Ace's back, as the rest of your escort made a break for it. Maybe you would have thought less about it, too, before talking to FrostNova, but... you can't shake that conversation, and how much Reunion and Rhodes Island have in common.
And it's possible she's out here too, somewhere. The way things are going, you're starting to hope she's not.

[20] The universally-understood expression for "I hate this" passes between you.

[21] Apparently you're going to develop a fear of heights today, too. Lucky you.

[22] Ah—she doesn't know, does she.
The way she says it has a little scorn, yes, but—it's more the hesitance of someone internally recalibrating their image of a person, who doesn't quite know what to expect anymore.

[23] Sensible, really.

---

"I used to think Rhodes Island fought for the Infected," GreyThroat's saying. "But now I see all the dead at our feet, they're all Infected. Amiya—why does Rhodes Island fight?"

Honestly—you could very well ask the same, as you watch her—expression fixed on the young man's broken crossbow²⁴ at her feet.

"Now you ask?" says Blaze.²⁵

"Blaze," says Amiya, warning in her tone.

Blaze turns to look at Amiya, though, her expression hard. "Answer her."

Amiya takes a moment before answering, mouth drawn into a thin line. "Honestly, I ask myself the same question all the time. We see people, Infected and uninfected, die every day.²⁶

"We don't, and we shouldn't fight to stop every death. That would be meaningless in the grand scheme of things. Like now... it wasn't one crossbow, one Art, one explosion, or one wound that caused all the death." You're startled to realize that her small hands have balled into fists against her jacket.²⁷ "What we fight to defeat is the source of all of this... the hatred the uninfected have for the Infected, and vice versa."²⁸

It's a lovely answer, but—you wonder if you can have that faith. What was it, that phrase that keeps drifting into your head—a land that can fall into peaceful slumber.²⁹

The old you—could she believe that?³⁰ Can you believe in it now, seeing what you've seen?

There's a bang—and then another, and another, and you flinch³¹—but it comes from high above you, exploding harmlessly. A series of purple flares against the grey of Lungmen's sky.

Blaze's gaze drifts in the same direction. "Did Reunion fire that?"

Amiya frowns, a crease of concern across her forehead. "That was an Originium-boosted crossbow bolt..."³²

"Pretty lousy fireworks," Blaze huffs, and runs a hand backwards through her hair, shaking out the sweat in it. "Nearl said, back in Chernobog, the scaly kid was pretty strong—she told me her arms nearly broke.³³ And I'll tell you from experience, I wouldn't be able to break them."

She's quiet for a moment, and then continues: "But back there, I knew his bowstring was as good as snapped, and he didn't have much Arts left in his weapon." She shakes her head, and then says, quietly: "What happened to you, you little shit?"

"I think... maybe..." Amiya hesitates. "He had no reason to fight anymore."

Do you even have a reason to fight? You don't even want to be on the battlefield.³⁴

GreyThroat takes the boy's crossbow and leaves without speaking further;³⁵ you sag against the nearest wall and close your eyes for a moment. Just a little rest, before the next thing.

Eventually there's a little tug on your sleeve. You take a deep breath; it comes a little easier, somehow,³⁶ and you open your eyes to see Amiya by your side.

"You're okay, Dr. Zhanchi?" she asks. "I didn't check, before, but—I'm sorry this is so hard on you."

You abruptly stand up a little straighter, and put on your best calm face.³⁷ "Ah—honestly, don't worry about me. Clean bill of health and everything."³⁸

She frowns. "If you're sure... Dr. Kal'tsit was concerned too, though."³⁹

This time it's your turn to frown. "...was she?"

"I'm sure!" says Amiya, very earnestly, holding your arm with both hands, and then looks away, a little guiltily.⁴⁰ "...she's lost a lot of people," she goes on. "Even if you don't get along, exactly... she still worries about you."⁴¹

You just... nod, mutely.⁴² Hopefully it's somewhat reassuring to Amiya, although if it is, you can't tell, and anyway—

"Amiya—call for you," Blaze barks, from her lookout post.

"Got it," says Amiya, and detatches herself from the wall next to you to get the comms. "This is Amiya—where are you? Yes, Dr. Zhanchi's fine, no head injuries again⁴³—under the slums?" She's frowning deeper. "There's a passage? How? Black raincoats... and... Yeti Squadron?⁴⁴ Are they forming up with Reunion..."

When Blaze says, "The worst is yet to come," you can't help but feel that she's right.

[24] The bowstring's snapped; the containment mechanism on the arts unit in it is shattered, but it's empty of all but a little residue. He used everything he had.

[25] For once, though, she doesn't direct sarcasm or vitriol at GreyThroat; she just sounds tired. Which is a real mood, honestly.

[26] Not for the first time, you wonder what her life has been like up until this point—why she can look on this so levelly, now; how much she's seen.

[27] The determination of someone who has to believe, who has to hold it together for the rest of her people.

[28] Honestly, that's so much to think about. It should be inspiring, but where do you even start with that?

[29] It's accompanied by a strong sense memory, always; reassuring arms around your shoulders; soft skin against yours; a persistent warm scent like spices or burning wood.

[30] Was that what ruined everything?

[31] Are you ever going to get over that? Well—
Probably, if you were being charitable to yourself, you could be forgiven for not dealing with it, with the amount of time you've had.

[32] The same kind the kid's unit uses—at least, no one at Rhodes Island colors their explosives that way.

[33] Which was, incidentally, terrifying on both sides, although you can't say that being surrounded by terrifying women is strictly a negative for you.

[34] What right do you even have to give direction to them? What right do you have to look at this broken crossbow and make any kind of judgment?
Why are you here, still?

[35] It seems like there was some kind of understanding between them; she's mourning, in her own way. Blaze finds it hard to read GreyThroat, but you don't, really. She's kind of similar to you, in a lot of ways.

[36] There's something that's... familiar? About the reassuring presence Amiya has, actually, now that you think about it—but you can't quite put your finger on it.

[37] Honestly you don't mind the fact that Amiya can tell how you're feeling so well when it seems like a lot of people can't read your expressions very well, but it's a little embarrassing to be called out like that.

[38] Apart from, you know, all the stuff that's just sort of a permanent fixture in your head, but that goes without saying.

[39] Concerned like what? Concerned like "she's untrustworthy" or "she's probably actually useless" or what?

[40] Probably she isn't supposed to tell you this, if Kal'tsit said anything about it. Honestly you're more surprised that Kal'tsit might have said anything about it at all.

[41] You almost think to counter with "I'm pretty sure she hates me and wouldn't mind if I died because I might be responsible for the death of someone deeply important to her that no one will tell me about" but, on the other hand—well, if you're being reasonable and not catastrophizing, there's probably a distinct difference emotionally between letting someone be out of sight and out of mind for the rest of forever in a facility in Chernobog versus them dying where you can see it.

[42] What else can you say, anyway? It might be true, but damned if you know what to do about it or even what you want.

[43] All right, you can't help but give a brief dry laugh in spite of yourself.

[44] Ah. And there's the other shoe waiting to drop. Meeting again, on a day like today—
No one's going to like that.