veryroundbirdfics | Arknights | Hand in Unlovable Hand, Chapter 7

Rating: Spicy
Chapter: 7/28
Characters: Doctor (F), Kal'tsit, Amiya, various others
Relationships: Doctor/Kal'tsit, Kal'tsit/Theresa, Theresa/Doctor
Summary: Dr. Lau returns to Rhodes Island a stranger in a strange land, in a labyrinth of things that feel like they should be familiar but aren't—and at the center is Dr. Kal'tsit and all the things she's not saying. Even if amnesia's changed her, though, the Doctor wouldn't be the Doctor if she didn't have an impulse to solve for the missing variable.
Notes: while this fic is marked as "spicy" the only actual sexual content is in chapters 8, 9, 17, 23 and 27, and there's cliff notes for the scenes at the bottom of the chapter. sexual content is noted in the start of chapters where it appears.

You go in expecting a dressing-down and you get it.

Kal'tsit's finishing checking Amiya's hands as you arrive, looking at the thick bands with a critical eye. "It looks fine," she says. "The rings haven't cracked or discolored—but it might be different next time."¹ She slumps back a little into her chair, face stern. "Listen closely, Amiya... be a little more careful."

Amiya nods, looking down at her feet, sufficiently chastised.² "Mm, well—Dr. Kal'tsit, I... think I need some rest."

"Go ahead." She rubs her temples, lightly. "I need to talk to Dr. Lau, after all."³

You peel yourself off the door frame from where you've been hovering as Amiya excuses herself, and shut the door behind you. The second Amiya's gone, Kal'tsit's face turns sour.

"Never put Amiya in this much risk again," she snaps. "You're also responsible for what happened out there."

"I know," you mutter.⁴ She continues.

"When you first came back to Rhodes Island... after Chernobog, she looked like this, too."⁵ Kal'tsit looks away, not quite looking at anything, drumming her fingers on her desk. "She carries that burden with her, still—it can't keep going like this. I told you."

"I know."

She pauses, studying you. "Here. Come here. Look at me. Glasses off."

Kal'tsit stands from her chair, and raises up on her toes as you do as you're told, and without warning or asking moves to hold one of your eyes open with her thumb and forefinger, face close enough to yours to make your heart skip a beat.⁶ "Um—"

"How many times did you get hit in the head, Zhanchi?"⁷

"Uh." You have to think kind of hard about that one. "Maybe twice?"

"Fuck's sake." She breathes out a long, heavy sigh. "How much do you remember of the afternoon and evening?"

"M...ost of it.⁸ I think I just didn't pay much attention on the way back..."

She makes the most absolutely disgruntled noise you've ever heard from someone not actively dying.⁹ "Make sure to talk to Amiya when you can, but go see Dr. Gavial immediately. You're no use to anyone like this."

You nod, numbly. "I'll... do that. If you can ask someone to check on Amiya, too, for now..."

"I'll take care of it," she says, briskly. "So go take care of yourself. That'll be one less thing for her to worry about. You can at least do that."¹⁰

So, blearily, you go.

[1] You've seen plenty of Oripathy treatment monitors and devices around—after all, you're wearing one around your neck. Still—you've never seen anyone else wearing anything like Amiya's rings. What are they, anyway?

[2] Honestly, it breaks your heart. If only you could take all of this on.

[3] Oh. Time to die.

[4] You should have known. You should have known, you should have known, you should have known—

[5] Strictly speaking, as a mission, this one was far more successful than Chernobog. But still—it feels about as hollow, if not more so. No one gained anything, did they.

[6] That... slightly snaps you out of just muttering "I know, I know" in response to everything she says, because—you have a problem, and the problem is that you're really gay, you're pretty sure.
Actually, if she was the one who left the note for you and put the ice cube in your hand, earlier, does that mean if you remember someone gently touching you face...?

[7] Normally you'd take that as an insult but in fact it did happen.
...wait, did she just use your personal name?

[8] Probably? Kind of? The details are fuzzy in places?

[9] And by this point you've heard a lot of people actively dying, unfortunately.

[10] That's such an obvious knife twist and you are so obviously wounded by it.

Unsurprisingly, you do not clear your physical,¹¹ and you also do not clear your mental wellness inventory.¹² Dr. Gavial makes a gentle joke about taking her next time to look after your noggin and also to crack some of the other guys' noggins,¹³ and writes a recommendation that you go on medical leave for a week minimum.

You celebrate this by heading back to your quarters and collapsing face-down, fully-clothed on your bed, and not moving. You stay like that overnight, waking up with fuzzy-feeling teeth and an absolutely splitting headache.¹⁴ It feels like someone's hitting something with a hammer nearby—

...oh. Oh that's just someone knocking on your door.

Blearily, you roll yourself out of bed, try to smooth down your hair from being all over the place,¹⁵ and fumble for the door switch.

When it opens, you and the small Liberi woman on the other side just... look at each other for a long moment,¹⁶ her in her white coat, you in your rumpled clothes from yesterday. She's the one to finally break the impasse, though.

"I'm Dr. Silence," she says, briskly. "Continuing symptoms? That is, of the concussion."

"I, er—" Why is talking so hard.¹⁷ "I just woke up, give me a moment."

"But you did wake normally..." She takes some notes on her tablet. "Good. Vision?"

"Fine?"

She taps on the screen a few times. "How about hearing?"

"Ah... hard to say. I have trouble processing sounds sometimes when I'm not concussed, but I'm understanding you fine right now, I think."

Dr. Silence runs you through a whole checklist of symptoms, checks your eyes and reflexes, and presses a bag of nutrition shake packets¹⁸ into your hands... and also some nicotene patches. "Obviously, you need rest. If it's easier to just subsist on nutrition shakes rather than make it to the cafeteria that's fine. Also, I heard you've picked up smoking. Don't do it, or at least don't while you're recuperating, for goodness' sake. Give half of these to Operator Saria if you run into her."

You rub your face slightly, a little abashed. "Er—sorry, I didn't realize it bothered the Medic wing..."¹⁹

She pinches the bridge of her nose, and clucks her tongue. "Mostly it just bothers me. It's a bad example to set, and furthermore, Operator Saria has her health to consider. If she doesn't listen to me, maybe she'll listen to you.²⁰ Just because I drink an entire pot of coffee every morning—"

A very small, tired smile creeps onto your face. "I'll make sure and pass that on, then. Er—thank you for checking in on me."

"Of course. It's my job." She taps a few more things on her tablet screen, and then clicks the screen light off. "There. And—" She looks studiously down at her hands. "In a way, I suppose I'm glad she's talking to someone."²¹

"Ah..." You fiddle with some of your stray crest feathers. "I'm... sorry."

Dr. Silence shakes her head. "No—ah, don't be. It's not your mistake. Regardless, er... I'm not one for small talk, but it's good to meet you, Dr. Lau."²²

You smile, and then wince as it sets off your headache again. "I'm the same way, so—likewise. And, ah... I think I'm going to take some more painkillers now."

"Good plan."

She leaves you after extracting a promise to page the medical department if you experience any worsening symptoms or any other adverse effects, and you notice, as she goes, that the crest feathers poking out of her hair look a lot like the single brown feather that Operator Saria wears on her belt.

[11] In fact Gavial opens with, "Wow, you look like shit, Doc."

[12] Somehow repeating "fine" in the same tone for every question does not seem to convince anyone, probably because "fine" is not actually a sensical answer to half the questions.

[13] Honestly you might take her up on that.

[14] Admittedly it's mostly just the headache that's new considering how often you just nod off before you actually get ready for bed properly.

[15] It's an uphill battle. You're pretty sure half of it's still a frizzy mess.

[16] You are both clearly waiting for the other one to start talking and save you both from your social awkwardness.

[17] That's a rhetorical question because you're pretty sure it's in parts because of the concussion, your godawful sleep, and the probable-autism. This doesn't make it any less annoying when you can't avoid it.

[18] Flavors: vanilla and peanut butter. Thankfully no "white horse kohl."

[19] You were sure that the balcony was far enough—then again, you're not sure this is exactly about you, now that you're starting to wake up properly.

[20] She says it sternly, but—the way her lower lip worries and the way the scowl bleeds out of her expression as her eyebrows knit together says it's a feeling more born of worry.

[21] You wonder if Saria would believe you if you mentioned that Dr. Silence seemed to care about her well-being. It's probably well more complicated than that, though.

[22] Honestly it's a little reassuring to meet someone of such a similar temperament.

After you have painkillered up and freshened up, and also taken a brief detour to lie face-down on your pillow again for some amount of time, you finally manage to face the world outside your quarters. You have exactly one item on your to-do list today and you are not going to fuck it up.²³

It doesn't take long to find Amiya since she very meticulously keeps a shared internal calendar that details where she'll be and when she has free time, if anyone needs to catch her.²⁴ Therefore, you know that she usually keeps this block of time for solo work in her own quarters.

You're a little surprised, though, to hear the strains of violin music coming from the other side of the door when you arrive; the melody weaves in long, plaintive runs up and down the register,²⁵ and you stand there transfixed until the song is over and the spell is broken.²⁶ Then you knock, quietly, three times.

"Amiya?"

There's a beat, and then: "Ah—it's open!"

You press the door open button, and it slides away; she's putting her violin down in its case. "Ah, Doctor—I know you were injured, so I didn't expect you to be up and about already, or I would have visited..."

"It's fine," you say. "But—well, I know you worry about me, so... I hope you're not too worried."

"Worried?" She looks surprised, but mostly to have it said aloud. "I am...? Ah..." She shakes her head. "Well, you saw right through me. I thought I did a good job of hiding it..."²⁷ She scuffs at the floor with one foot.

"Well. I thought I was probably giving you something to worry about, if you care a lot about protecting me,"²⁸ you say, leaning against the door frame. "So I hope I'm not troubling you overmuch."

"Oh! No, Doctor Zhanchi. It's just—" She sighs. "Yes, I suppose I'm a bit worried... just a little, though. I'm already used to doing this. After all, I can't drag down everyone else any more—right, Doctor?"

You open your mouth to say something, but, well—you don't know what to say.²⁹ She looks up at you, mouth drawn into a serious line. "Doctor... I just... don't understand."

Shouldn't you say something? But—anything you could say, nothing feels right.³⁰

She reaches out and takes your hand, though. "No, I... I know what we're trying to do. I also know... that some sacrifices are inevitable." She looks away, at the blank wall beside her. "But I... what I don't know is... Why do I have to watch people disappear before my eyes one by one...³¹ even though they can be saved? We were so close."

You swallow, your tongue feeling thick. "You did everything you could, Amiya. You can't save everyone all on your own."

"But I'm not on my own," she says, immediately, looking up at you with determined eyes, and there's something far older than her years in her face—not even in the way she works hard to be mature, worthy of leadership.³² "I know that I have a duty. And I will continue to move forward... so thank you, Doctor. For your kindness, and... for listening."

She lets out a deep breath. "But right now... I just still feel so tired."³³ A soft smile crosses her face, but doesn't quite make it up to her eyes. "I think I need a little more alone time, if that's all right, Doctor. But thank you for coming by."

"Amiya—" You frown, first but then nod. You know a dismissal when you hear one.³⁴ "All right. I'll see you soon."

[23] You hope, anyway.

[24] Honestly even after seeing her in action, this is possibly the most terrifying thing about her.

[25] You almost think you're going to cry, hearing it.

[26] Even though you'd say... after hearing it, that it was a sad song... somehow you feel like you've just woken from a peaceful sleep. Lighter, somehow.

[27] You wouldn't have wanted to interrupt her, anyway.

[28] You're still trying to work out the why, exactly; why she cares this much. Why will she do so much for you when you're not even really who she knew, and furthermore, when the person she knew seems to have been kind of questionable?

[29] That, and the idea of trying to say anything starts to feel you with a strange kind of heavy dread.

[30] Kal'tsit's going to murder you.

[31] You wonder if you used to be one of those people. If, perhaps, one of the reasons she wants to protect you at all costs is to prevent that from happening ever again.

[32] Not just mature—
Ancient, maybe, in a way that's unsettling.

[33] Oh, mood.

[34] Can't she just blame you instead?

One day turns into two turns into three. You're on a reduced schedule, so you have more free time, and reluctantly work on scraping yourself off your bed more often to deal with the bare minimum you can do and at least walk around the landship in-between check-in visits to the medical wing. You see off the Penguin Logistics and Blacksteel contingents,³⁵ and then go ooze yourself into a chair in the waiting area for doctors' visits.³⁶

There's only one other patient waiting, a wild-haired Lupo with obvious ore lesions on both thighs—advanced case, you can tell. She slouches, arms thrown across the chairs on either side of her, legs sticking out into the walking path such that the deadpan Liberi medic who usually takes your vitals has to hop over them as she passes through several times.³⁷ Kal'tsit passes through once or twice, too, but she doesn't hop, just steps neatly over without breaking her stride.³⁸

"Hey," your fellow patient says, and it takes a moment for you to realize that's directed at, well. You.

"Um—hello," you say, doing a flip through your mental catalog of personnel files. "It's, er—Operator Lappland, isn't it?"

"That's me! Haha. I don't know you, do I?"

You shake your head. "I don't think so, but I could be wrong."

"Good enough for me! Besides, either you'd remember if you met me, or you'd be dead, and unless I'm seeing ghosts, I think I know which one you are." She barks a too-loud, too-raucous laugh for that small space. "Or unless you're Texas, pretending she doesn't know me. Texas... she was here and she didn't even come see me! But then again, she's a coward."³⁹

"Ah... hm."⁴⁰ You twist your hands together, slightly, not really sure what to say.

"You understand that, though, don't you? Hah. That doctor won't even look at you if she doesn't have to."

You look up very sharply. "I don't know who you mean," you say.⁴¹

"Sure! Sure you don't. Then again, that woman... no, she's never been a coward," Lappland says, throwing her head back in a huff of a laugh, looking up at the ceiling. "I'd love to fight her! I'd lose, but I'd fight her.⁴² You picked a good one!"

"I'm not, er..." you start. "I'm not... it's not really like that."⁴³

Lappland shrugs herself more upright, suddenly, looking at you with her very intense, pale-eyed gaze. "Hah. I see. So does that make you the coward?"

And you are blessedly saved from having to answer that by Dr. Gavial calling your name.

[35] Penguin Logistics is going on vacation. You want a vacation so bad you'd sell a kidney for one. You will probably never get a vacation.

[36] After acquiring your third cup of shitty office coffee for the day.

[37] You're still trying to get Ptilopsis's measure, because—well, you thought you had a good idea, with how serious and logical she is most of the time—but then she'll slip in a dry joke here and there in that exact same tone.

[38] She distinctly does not look at you any of these times.

[39] Having seen Texas in combat, you have no idea how to square this assessment with what you've seen.

[40] There's a lot to unpack there.

[41] And of course it's a lie.

[42] That would raise more questions for you, however: you already had that impression. She just radiates this aura of being able to kick literally anyone's ass.
It's very attractive, unfortunately for you.

[43] You are especially sure if you implied in any way shape or form that it could be like it Kal'tsit would appear suddenly and kill you.

You're still not entirely sure what happened.⁴⁴ You'd wandered off to one of the study cubicle rooms to lie down with your face pressed into a book for a bit, and had finally decided that with time getting away from you⁴⁵ and the late hour, maybe you ought to be honest with yourself about needing to sleep and started to head back toward your quarters.

Then—was it the floor shaking? Maybe there was a loud sound? Wandered over a shooting range or an engineering lab at the wrong time? You could never quite remember; you don't quite remember where your book went, or if you heard it drop against the sheet metal flooring. You just remember that suddenly you felt like you were suffocating, your chest constricting, frozen to the spot.

You don't know how long you were standing there, alone, tears welling up in your eyes. The only thing you know is what you became aware of next—

—someone lacing their hands in yours.

[44] This happens more often than you'd like.

[45] Weird how much time can pass when you're only going through the motions of doing an activity like reading the same page over and over without actually absorbing any of the information.