Arknights | Hand in Unlovable Hand, Chapter 3

[veryroundbird]

Rating: Spicy
Chapter: 3/28
Characters: Doctor (F), Kal'tsit, Amiya, various others
Relationships: Doctor/Kal'tsit, Kal'tsit/Theresa, Theresa/Doctor
Summary: Dr. Lau returns to Rhodes Island a stranger in a strange land, in a labyrinth of things that feel like they should be familiar but aren't—and at the center is Dr. Kal'tsit and all the things she's not saying. Even if amnesia's changed her, though, the Doctor wouldn't be the Doctor if she didn't have an impulse to solve for the missing variable.
Notes: while this fic is marked as "spicy" the only actual sexual content is in chapters 8, 9, 17, 23 and 27, and there's cliff notes for the scenes at the bottom of the chapter. sexual content is noted in the start of chapters where it appears.

---

You get into a routine. Per doctor's orders, you're not cleared for field operations¹, and in any case, Kal'tsit says "it'll be educational for you to re-familiarize yourself with day-to-day life and procedures at Rhodes Island."²

It turns out the office you had previously has still been maintained and left alone, albeit bare of personal touches.³ There's a great many books—including a full set of medical textbooks, to your great relief.⁴ Maybe eventually you'll be able to actually live up to the professional title that everyone calls you.

So every morning, you wake up, blearily wander to the mess hall for breakfast⁵, and then get dragged off to the gym for physical training. Then a shower and then off to a conference room to review authorizations and deployment teams for operations while Kal'tsit watches you, stone-faced, as if she's waiting for you to slip up somehow.⁶

Then lunch, at which point you find yourself finally starting to feel awake, usually,⁷ and then a bit of self-study time, unless you're getting pulled in to be the face of new operator interviews and onboarding.⁸

Today coming onboard—well, one's a joker who apparently wrote "once in a lifetime hottie" on his resumé, who nonetheless tested well and happens to have a unique and useful arts technique that makes him a good communications specialist,⁹ and the other is an impressive swordsman on paper who comes in with one trouser leg rolled up and half his hair standing up.¹⁰

"Your thoughts, Doctor?" says Kal'tsit, after they leave, not even looking up from her tablet.

You tap your fingers on the table a few times. "Operator Elysium—uh, I don't know if we have a squad that needs a... an assistant? Executive officer?¹¹ He does a good job at adjusting to the mood of a situation and keeping people at ease."

She fiddles with her tablet for a moment, not looking at you, scrolling quietly.¹² Then she nods. "Trial assignment to squad A2, then. The captain there is responsible, but could use someone to lighten her load. Assessment of Operator Thorns?"

You continue in this way through the rest of the interviews and assessments. She doesn't question your assertions,¹³ merely adds her own commentary and suggests where, based on your read, that operator might do best.¹⁴

Finally, she clicks off her tablet screen; you're at the end of the list. "That's all," she says, and stands, without any further discussion. "Thank you for your time, Dr. Lau."

"Ah—" You attempt to follow in scrambling to your feet, but manage to bang your knee against the bottom of the conference table in your haste and jam the joint, wincing.¹⁵ "Ah, Dr. Kal'tsit—"

She stops, halfway to the door, and there's a little pause¹⁶ before she turns back around, expression perfectly neutral. "Yes, Dr. Lau?"

You consider,¹⁷ and then shake your head. "Nothing, really. Er—have a good afternoon."

This time she absolutely does let out a little sigh, and turns to go without another word.

 

[1] Thank fuck, you are absolutely petrified of the idea of doing it again, still.

[2] It occurs to you that no one has actually asked if you want to be here or if you want this job, but then again you have no idea what else you would be doing. It didn't even occur to you for this long that you might not want this job.

[3] You're not sure if this means you weren't one for personal touches in general, or if someone cleaned them out ahead of you. You wouldn't put it past Kal'tsit, to be honest.

[4] The ones by a "Dr. Blood" are... signed?

[5] The food here is surprisingly good—defying the stereotypes about hospital food. Apparently there are some volunteer chefs about.

[6] Whether she's waiting for you to turn out to have been faking this whole time or for you to fuck up filling out forms—well, it's probably both.

[7] You sleep poorly, always. You can never remember your dreams, though.

[8] On one hand, you know why this is useful. It's a good opportunity to get to know your ("your" is weird, but, still) operators, it's practice pretending you know fuck all about anything, and also, well, you know your people skills could use work.
On the other hand, this feels like Kal'tsit is trying to punish you personally. You suspect she probably is.

[9] And actually he's quite good at interviewing and in person. You get the sense that he's trying to put others in a good mood, in his own way.

[10] At least it's not just you.

[11] Would love it if any of those genius military tactician words had stayed in your fucking head but you're doing your best.

[12] You're not sure if she's letting you stew or what; regardless, it feels like you're being graded.

[13] Which is unsettling in its own way; you can't quite tell if you're passing a test, or if she's letting you sink or swim on your own merits or lack thereof. The fact that you'd lean toward the former is the most uncomfortable part of it.

[14] This is also unusually helpful; it's giving you a good overview of all the different operation teams, from elite, to general, to reserve, and you suspect she's doing it intentially for your benefit, to ensure you have that knowledge. It's probably irritating to be saddled with someone who's in authority, at least in name, and doesn't actually know anything, but...

[15] Your absolute shit garbage coordination. The rehab exercises are horrible but maybe you can see the point to them.

[16] You can just picture the long-suffering look on her face. She's absolutely concealing a sigh, there.

[17] What do you want to say? Would she even accept thanks? Is that assuming too much about her motives?

---

You find Operator Saria again on the balcony just off the medical wing where you first ran into her, after your afternoon check-up. Wordlessly, she fishes in her pocket for another cigarette, and offers it to you.¹⁸

"Thanks, but I've got some of my own now, and besides, doctor's orders for maximum one a day, anyway," you say, raising a hand.¹⁹

She nods, as you take your place at the railing. "Sure. It's a bad habit to get into."

"Didn't say I was going to stop," you say, with a half-smile, going for your own lighter.

The two of you spend some time looking out at the vast barren plains that mark the border marches of Yen together.²⁰ Probably on a clearer day you could see Ursus, and you think you can see a far-off shadow that might be the wreck of Chernobog, but instead²¹ you pull your gaze and your thoughts back toward the deck.²²

It takes you a while to notice Saria watching you.²³ You give her what you hope is a questioning kind of look.

"You look like something's on your mind. I'd offer advice, but most people don't like mine."²⁴ She huffs, lightly. "Still."

You shake your head, and lean your elbows onto the railing. "I think I'm just not really a people-person."²⁵

Saria shakes her head. "Maybe we're the same. I'm told I don't have much of a bedside manner—" She shrugs, at the look you give her. "I went to medical school. Research suited me better."²⁶

"Mm..." You tap your cigarette to get rid of some of the ashes. "Do you know Dr. Kal'tsit well?"

She pauses a moment, to consider her words.²⁷ "I wouldn't say we're close, but she offered me my position here at Rhodes Island, and I'm grateful to her. She's someone to whom I feel I can speak frankly, if I have an opinion, and have it listened to. You're an old colleague of hers, aren't you?"

"I'm—yes, that's the best way to put it. I... haven't seen her in a while," you say.²⁸ "I haven't spent much time with people in general, recently, but—" You twiddle with the cigarette between your fingers, looking down at the ground. "I don't think I know how to talk to her, anymore. I wonder if I was ever any good at it, actually."²⁹

Saria's silent for a long time, lips pursed in a thin, serious line. "That's something I can understand."³⁰

"I won't pry,³¹ if you'd prefer."

She shakes her head. "It's not a secret that Dr. Silence won't speak to me unless it's raising her voice.³² There's some things that I can't tell her, even now, so it won't change, but..." She sighs. "If that's not the case for you, then you should say it to Dr. Kal'tsit plainly, when you can."

You exhale a long puff of smoke, out into the chilly late-December air, and finally feel a little bit of a smile come to your face.³³ "Maybe I can start with the easy bits, anyway."

When you bid her goodbye, you head back to your office in lieu of going direct to the mess hall for dinner, and start composing an email.

At least one thing you think you know how to say.

 

[18] Saria's quiet, which you appreciate; she told you the day you met that she finds most of the landship too noisy, although you get the impression she finds hanging out in the medical wing while off-duty to be uncomfortable.

[19] Gavial chewed you out and you don't want a repeat of that, for sure. Despite the muscle tone, you didn't expect one of the doctors to go for a suplex.

[20] It's about as close to contentment as it seems like either of you get, right now.

[21] If you're being honest with yourself: you'd really love to not think about Chernobog.

[22] There's plenty to think about here, after all.

[23] Not with the kind of analytical eye that Kal'tsit always turns on you, trying to take you apart and put you back together in a way that makes sense—you realize that it's something more like concern.

[24] Well, there's clearly a history there. You hear she doesn't get along with Dr. Silence, and they're both Rhine Lab alums; you'll have to dig through the files to see what's up with that.
...is that weird? Is that too nosy?

[25] Scientifically speaking, as you're an adult—if you'd spent a lot of time already working toward improving your interpersonal skills, you ought to have the neural pathways that would make it much easier to get back into it, even if it wasn't something that came naturally to you.
What this means is that past you was definitely some combination of awkward, standoffish, or disinterested. You're putting your bets on all three. You'd also put your bets on your past self thinking she had better things to be doing.

[26] This begs the question as to why she is no longer researching and instead a security officer.

[27] She's the kind of person who, if she's going to say something, prefers to be able to say it authoritatively and without hesitation. It's not a bad quality.

[28] Remembering that your amnesia is a need-to-know basis item: nailing it.

[29] Though the real thing that bothers you is this: if you were simply awkward or distant, why does Amiya care about you? Why is Kal'tsit this bitter? You've seen her with plenty of Rhodes Island staff and patients, and she's perfectly professional with all of them, capable of accommodating their eccentricities without breaking a sweat. Whatever she doesn't like about you, it's not a mere personality conflict.

[30] You think you're beginning to see the full shape of Operator Saria and what brings her to spend her free time alone on this little smoking balcony, now.

[31] ...probably. Mostly.

[32] You had no idea the tiny Liberi physician had a temper. You're going to have the fear of the entire Medical department put into you by the time you die, aren't you.

[33] The way emotions come to you, the way you react to things—sometimes you don't entirely feel like this body is yours. It's like a temporary loan, but you're not sure when the original owner is going to get back. Are you allowed to start re-painting?
Then again if she didn't want you to fuck with it, she shouldn't have left things in such piss-poor shape.

---

SUBJ: Operator Candidate Interviews and Onboarding - Follow-up
TO: Dr. Kal'tsit <kt@med.rhodesisland.org>
FROM: Dr. Lau Zhanchi <zh@med.rhodesisland.org>

Dr. Kal'tsit,

I was remiss earlier in not thanking you for your patience and insight during our afternoon meeting to onboard the new operators. I realize it's a difficult and unexpected situation for you to have to babysit me, so your personal experience with the base staff and operators is invaluable.

I don't think I'm very skilled with expressing myself aloud, but I didn't want this to remain unsaid.

See you tomorrow,

Zhanchi

---

In your inbox, the next morning, the timestamp in the wee hours—

SUBJ: Re: Operator Candidate Interviews and Onboarding - Follow-up
TO: Dr. Lau Zhanchi <zh@med.rhodesisland.org>
FROM: Dr. Kal'tsit <kt@med.rhodesisland.org>

Dr. Lau,

You're welcome. See you tomorrow.

Kal'tsit